Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

JUR: null.

In Uncategorized on 06/09/2011 at 2:12 PM

type in your destination? right after my last final i flocked to this mac to type something out. there is nothing spiritual about this, i just had a triple shot espresso and the music in my head are eggin me on.

specifically this song:

it just talks about partying but it reminds me of “roomful of people” because of the many voices he puts out there and the fact that i thought before it was talking about rage like the pokemon move and not just the partying thing. i’ll rage tonight probably. i raged yesterday, sitting at kinkos for 30 minutes for a resume. getting lost in downtown la. paying 8 bucks for 18 minutes of parking when it coulda been free.

all to be judged by susan the casting director after my last reading she says: “yeah i gotta pretty good idea of who you are now”

fuck that shit.

this helped me realize something.

the greatest word in the english language is DISTILL.

this word describes humanity completely. the process of humanity is that of culture, it is the end result that i have discovered in archaeology. the burials, writing, buildings, warfare, art, it can all be summed up by the word culture. how has culture evolved over the years.

it began simple, with beads, but we be adding more and more beads to this little chain around our neck. they began to take shape. staff god, buddha, crosses, and the list continues. now culture is distilled even further and religion has separated itself from culture. culture will continue to evolve as we physically separate all these representations of the roomful of people in our heads [distillation]

and that is important. distillation is not a chemical reaction, though culture is often very spiritual to us. the reality is that culture is not higher than us. culture is not some absolute thing or spiritual force. alcohol relies on distillation. our bodies may interact with something spiritual, im not saying that we are not spiritual beings. im merely saying that culture is not spiritual. and culture is the process of distillation.

it is a physical process, not a chemical process. for instance, “light chasers” is very spiritual in it’s effects, inspiration, and content. but it is not spiritual in its essence, it is music communicated through MIDI through your headphones (cause no ones playing it on the radio)

when im dist ill remember (dissed I’ll)

we all di still (die still)

that is why we distill (distill)

and we will do dis till (this until)

everyone dis still. (dies still)


that is my new religion.

i dont understand the great beyond. but i feel that culture is like an elephant we are pushing up stairs because elephants have an immense memory. we have pushed it up mounds, pyramids, buildings, skyscrapers, clouds, now we are pushing it up on satellites and beyond.

the inca civilization controlled people by building roads. rome controlled people by building roads. the great nations control the waves, planes, freeways.

the new controllers will be those ferrying us across the information highway.

and that is the thing. the casting director will just judge you on the spot. you gotta be ready on the spot. not a spot on your record, you gotta be spot on.


nowadays, morals are to me like the days. i go along with them because it is practical. but all tension comes from rules imposed out of order/in the wrong time. and i dont feel bad that i dont feel bad anymore.


this is the end of this blog. my jurisdiction is that it is nullified by its non existence in consequence. science, is not real because it has always existed but it never existed before we started to teach it in the classrooms or attributed taxes to NASA. all we had before that was culture, now science is a part of our culture. culture meaning the collective mental activity.


when i became a christian for what seems like an eternity ago (because i was a different person then) i just wanted to be recognized. that has not changed, i just changed the frame and focus, i still wanted to be recognized i just changed who i thought deserved recognition.

but i have re:cognized and this has recovered some wrecked cogs in the ignition.

for heavens sake, i sacrificed many opportunities and now i have realized how frivolous my past 4 years have been. the source of this was fear. i am certain of this now.


and this blog was fear. these past three years have been fears. i dont know what i want to be, i have an idea, but i dont care how it turns out, the point is that i want to be. even if that is infamous, famous is in infamous and fame is infamy.


i write this as a statement to myself? that is the problem, my words will only have effect if i focus and make them effective. i wont change much after this blog. but i will let my hatred for bullshit consume me in a conflagration that can flag every arrogant elation that propels me backwards.

i was looking at my nike frees and on the bottom is the shape of a hand pointing backwards, or at least now pointing what you would think is forwards. inside myself i have been subverting myself. i know i am using the word wrong, but i think it is perfectly representational.

subverting because it is below the surface. vert because it refers to motion. subvert because it has a negative connotation. ing because gerund.

wow that is the first joke i’ve made so far. i am serious.

but getting serious about doing fun stuff.


i dont have a very romantic attachment to being a man. a lotta guys do and now a lotta girls do too. those kinda people join the military and the truth is they are just attached to themselves as well and are attaching themselves to something in the process. and it’s called being a man.


happiness and health are not in my sights right now. people want me to rage with them but i am busy raging against myself. i now worship culture. not even history. history will leave me as a statistic in the books. i worship the elephant and building upon that culture we push up the stairs. i will continue to find punchlines that arent there: that is the process of distillation.


there is an opportunity for what some may call exploration in the dynamic culture of now, and i will take it and that will be my stake in the future. (i refer to my ridiculous ventures, the documentaries, companies, inventions, and other ‘contributions’ which in reality are contributions to myself)


this will sound arrogant but i dont care. i am distilling myself from myself and finding the room full of people in my head.

i love myself for all of myself. i am right and people are foolish. i am foolish and people are right. but still, people are foolish. they judge me super superficially. that is my reason for the obsession with the tool. the irony of the phenomena of a tool/bro/whatever you wanna call them is so significant in how it matches the term for themselves: tool.

the goal of life is to like yourself. but people are using a process of doublethink when they think of themselves. by not understanding what causes them to be who they are, they have an inaccurate version of themselves. i know i am a bad person.

all these aspects of myself that i joke about are sick and wrong. and i know it. i use humor to deal with them. my shallowness, my ambition, my arrogance, my sexual perversions.

but i do not hide them from myself anymore. i will continue to hide them from everyone else. but when my faults appear before me, i will no longer try to suppress them. i am not ashamed of them. i will not suppress them and superficially superimpose some loose one-size-fits-all image of something.

whether that is as an american, a christian, a responsible man, a light chaser or anything else.

THAT IS ATMOSPHERE. that is atmosphere. what dont all you understand about this???? this is the stress of atmosphere on the body. this is the oxygen that deteriorates generation after generation. alexander the great, he understood this. he took the gains of philip his father and took his mace donned it worthy of a life and died in battle of rocknroll.

they say he put up 12 shrines dedicated to world conquest. there is nothing wrong with that.

you say he killed many in the process including himself? well guess how they got there, they believed in that atmosphere and said i am a soldier. and he took that and he rose above the atmosphere. he rose so high that he controlled the atmosphere.


i like myself. i am not happy with myself. but i like myself enough to pursue myself. and i see no other representation offered by society that is worth my time more than me.

i do not like my happiness. that is a representation offered by society. society says, be healthy, be happy. but that is a double think that stands on the backs of mexican farmers. i dont believe the lie. i put the sigh in society. and society, puts the lie in believe.

i have no anger towards religion for any other reason besides the fact that it held me back. i do not think there is any animosity that all my friends are stuck in some lie because i am too.

but i am breaking free.

and what is the result, it’s that result that religion preys upon.

suits and ties, that dont suit us and tie us down. the emptiness at the bottom of the bottle. all that jazz. as a result, we restrict the jazz within us and call it goodness, love, and all that jazz.

but im jazzin.

you can say that it is sad, but that doesn’t diminish this.

i am glad i found this, it inspires me. think about how childish cloud cult is. a lotta this music is kids music. and that is why i love it. this video is childish apparently. but it is the dark heart of art. all art is cynicism to some extent and that is the moon in mark twains eyes that makes reading him in high school so important.


so if you are reading this, and you are judging me, i dont care. but i do feel bad for you, because if you are reading this and judging me, you haven’t understood what i am trying to say and that means i have failed to exist as i’d like to exist.


my freshman year of college is over, and my desire for conquest has begun. i am not 3 silly stories up any longer. i am moving out today.

and i am wrapping this up as the album light chasers wraps up on grooveshark. so what song shall i wrap up this blog with? get over it it is over.

all of these things have taught me.

and now it is time for

xtreeme ways

love, me.


dumbly racked under nietzsches knowledge

In Uncategorized on 05/14/2011 at 4:18 AM
is this state where god is dead. but he is also alive and well.
actually it doesnt matter because he isn’t even on my forefront
that odd loneliness that perches upon the top of my brain pecking away at each unblemished spot has been given wings by that rando’s tequila (man that was good shit)
it’s that odd loneliness that makes us scratch our nose because that attractive opposite may just do the opposite of being attracted and get detracted and very similar to how we feel about everyone else.
it’s that odd loneliness that parallels the fighting instinct in our brain chemistry with our arguments over what brain chemistry actually fucking is.
as if our survival could ever rely on what we say about or vitals.
sure god judges everyones heart. but if everything is absolutely and completely personal and relative to their own life: why this need for an arbitrary law?
because it was divinely delivered in the form of some cool documents that we translated. talk about doing something crazy: wikileaks the shit out of all the original religious documents and we shall find that when put in the wiki context, the only reason anyone would ever believe any of this is the sheer numbers.
email someone a doctrine and it does nothing.
indoctrination is not forcing them to learn. it’s forcing them to say yes to what you are saying and then calling it learning.
learning is a fucking accident and luckily education creates channels for those naysayers to live in a van down by the river while us college kids float on to life.
learning is a fucking accident: case in point, the godfather. he is a magical bitch and he didn’t need no education, learning whether or not god gives it to us is not about truth, it is about growth.
you can’t learn truth. that doesn’t even make any sense that implies that the others are living in lies. and who defines truth? the people who found it afterward. truth can only be a matter of preference and then there are rules. but truth and rules do not intermix. rules are ruthless, truth is toothless. all you need is some pliers to “open their eyes” and fill it with some altered light.
that is truth? doubt it. the universe doesn’t make any sense because the only thing that makes sense is that incorrect view that we rely on to live. the facts dont match up with what we know as truth and it doesn’t fucking matter.
because it’s 4 am and the fact or truth is that i should sleep and stop factoring truth in this factory.
this is fact:
this is fact:
this is fact:
this is fact:
this is fact:
and that my friends is truth.

“Truly I tell you, unless you change [my wikipedia article] and become like little children [trolling on wiki articles], you will never enter the kingdom of heaven [in it’s internet-like infinite-ness]

In Uncategorized on 05/07/2011 at 5:14 AM

i thought i liked baha’i, ya know those people who sound middleeastern and sponser the 23 s (but not north) because they are all about only having a text and no human intervention. but i dunno, it’s kinda silly.

baha’i? haha, they say that “humanity” matures. that right there just shows how weak, and strong the ideology is. what the fuck is humanity? if there is one thing i have learned to appreciate in college, it’s shuffle (seriously, just shuffle mewithoutyou, it’s actually as good as each album in a row) but i’ve also learned

society/humanity/”they” is a misnomer.

k well i never realized that i think baha’is are idiots. no, they are ideats.

but i, deats, i kyle, just may actually have some bahai in me. that would be funny because bahaha is the term i use to describe that feeling of something laughable but not really funny.

accidental pun as well as accidental association with my transcendental side. nice.

so what is that title talkin about? is kyle reading the bible? more like creading. crazy reading? close, reading is crazy inherently. it’s a combination of creating and creeds.

let this play while you read the bible.

Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” mt18:3 -> lk 2:22 “When the time came for the purification rites required by the Law of Moses, Joseph and Mary took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord.” -> numbers 15:3 “then make an offering by fire to the Lord, a burnt offering or a sacrifice to fulfill a special vow, or as a freewill offering or in your appointed times, to make a soothing aroma to the Lord, from the herd or from the flock.”

if any body else is WTFin, wait! the finish will culminate in an ending. haha

KYbLE: Kyle + Bible (+bile)

Let’s present this as a story:

With family lines drawn from the loins of an ancient antiquitous king, Joseph goes full blast as he holds his everything in his pants. This is because there is nothing in his pants, he pants not to get in their pants because he has no balls. But he’s got some serious balls for a different reason.

He merrily marries Mary, marring his own reputation, but saving hers. Whether by some unHoly injection or her hole on an erection, its now June, no she has not the appeal of Juno and he has no knowledge that nothing like the Palm March will come out of this kid, coming out in March.

Fuck his childhood, we wanna know someone is higher than the gov, the Man. We wanna know there is a God. And we wanna know he is the Man. And a man. So let’s here about him when he’s a man.

But first, to wet your appetite, wipe your bib, and wead the weaving tale (aka Bible) that really begins with his Biebhood as an angsty teen. But before the writing of his rites righteously riding on an ass, he’s gonna rape these asses, the kings of asses asking the King astounded at his knowledge. 18-5:3

Then there is this ditch of his young adult life. Well, it was just that then: empty. Heysuess’s perfection was an afterthought. As was his bio. Lesson? It’s not about what we do to ourselves, it’s about what we do to ourselves to help others. All ur sins buds, technically its masochism. Humanity then is masochistic. Though you may complain it’s masomystic, those singing “Oh” to Christ in Mass, are masochristic.

Carpenter catching carp. Fisher fishing fellows. Fisher price? Free, but the life of the price has only raised 4 points. An oasis in the desert he’s tempting thrice, getting chicks wet from vice, redefining the whys to being wise,  he knew revenue was for  the foo and kept his fisher price.

Turns out he’d be a sell out, or at least be sold out, for thertee (or was it her teet?) We thought it’d be a breeze, but those threee eees in between would Be ouR Z’s in “I’ll live” park as we parked it while the King had a Summit on some mount.

Knowing wood well, the virgin birthed 12 hard headed steps up to a crossroads so one road would be crossed out opening the narrow road to the cross. 1 from the 11 from the 12, the all-natural decayed log of 2. He would be wooden wood, not cornerstones like the other 11 totem poles blown over by the wind. He was chipped cedar from Lebanon in the Kings Palace, a hard headed stick with a soft spot.

He tripped the wire, was utterly changed into fire, and as the smoke rose higher and higher, on psycharelics all was revealed by his beloved squire.

i was listening to this song.. it’s by mewithoutyou.

i was listening to this song.

(its terrible) some living irony to covering good songs when you aren’t good is that you show it’s all about the people.

and that is my point. i just told you the story of Jesus Christ, but it means nothing, it was stupid. too crass to be called wordplay, more like wordplagued as if meaning is only in the words. its just the opposite of that though. if the story is in the words, and the story is the same but the words are different then whats the big?

i was listening to that song, and for some reason i heard Weiss whine, “our lord was born to a manger bed, that all whose wells run dry can drink of his supply” and i said yeaaah. then i thought of all the constructions. the after thoughts. i mention the “afterthoughts” in my stupid lil bible. i thought thats what i was after, the afterthoughts.

it’s like bible gives you all of these little puzzle pieces of jesus. we treasure the treasures that treasured those treasures. but then in 325, we boxed the puzzle to sell it in packages by fashioning pieces out of phrases from the original puzzle. it made them feel more complete as they made it more complete.

suddenly, those little treasures weren’t enough to fill them up and so we kept going and we kept fashioning phrases more fashionable than before until they turned to shirts turning out crowds in hume lake humming tunes laden with the hard heads of some souls sure their shirts hurt themselves.

i realized the story was wonderful really and very modern. jesus’ tale, so many elements that could be taken to signify the modern man. and i took some time tonight reading some verses. i really enjoyed gathering my own meaning from them.

something about children right?



i love creation. but the best part of creation is persons creation. mewithoutyou combines personality with creation. because you should create, but still create something reflecting your personality, otherwise i b lik y u frontin?

think of a modern city compared to kingly city in which you are a demographic in a democratic society. yet the subtext of christianity is that we subdue our personality all for the king. “You’re everyone else”

but there was this personal contract of your own salvation that arrived on your terms. “You’re everyone else”

we stand for our standards, so what are our standards and to the stand the arduous task of standing to reason?  i dont seem to hold anything sacred anymore. and every day i feel like a different person. i dont look at the world and see myself in it anywhere sometimes. sometimes i am grounded, but sometimes i feel like every breath is a stroke through a sea of junk. like im having a stroke. like im the only one stuck in traffic. like im stuck. and other such contradictions.

i went and watched the sunset over the San Fernando Valley and got a $175 ticket for running a stop sign via a picture and i am looking at this in disbelief. if there is one thing in my life that i consider sacred, it is the sun. i would never disrespect the sun, never curse the heat and never plead it to come up any faster and warm my bones. because it’s the only thing i can rely on, the passing of the days.

get wrecked. (due 6/6/11 that’s 1 away from satan, but then again if you distribute, this dispute seems to beg forgiveness as you get 77)

remember that whole talk about creating and creeds?

you could derive all of christianity from these great lyrics:

Save my skin, I need a medic
Hold me down, I’m only sewn down.
Save my teeth, show me you meant it
Catch my death, I’m only sewn together.

My eyelids are heavy, and the night’s wearing on
Your story’s familiar, and your innocence is gone
We’d burn like the morning then break like your heart
Fall in love without warning just to fall back apart
All fevered and blistered, with nothing at stake
I feel the warmth of her whisper, and the cold of my mistakes
Her soul in the balance, my heart in her hands
I made her a widow, she made me a man.

problem is that no one wants to repeat all of that. christianity, the strength is numbers, though no one reads that book. i dont like the story, i just have fun with any story because of all the ASSociations i make.

i could sit around and find significance in anything all day long. i could stand too, but i’d get tired and i wont stand for that. i have standards man

and just as on corneria when you’re jumpin around and then you dodge something on that spacecraft and it takes you into outerspace.

get wrecked. enter the kingdom of heaven. ” I made her a widow, she made me a man.” there are so many connections, associations, links, toon links, zelda, ganondorf supersmashing around in the sea of the dictionary.

im just creading. closely reading the crazy eights aiding and adding up to creation created according to a creed creating their own creeds.


a kid on aristotle (who do you colon when you have : cancer?)

In Uncategorized on 05/01/2011 at 12:16 AM

that’s who wrote in dialogues right? i remember i read some of his tracts as he tracked truths while his 3 walked a track. doubt he was listening to heavy metal while he wrote them though.

probably why mine wont be as good. but this is definitely a good presentation of how i think i think. i wrote it in a flurry with a flurry of my different selves in tabs on the browser, strewn about the floor and half-drunk on the desk next to my hands. but two in agreement came out on TextEdit.

I wish someone would come out in agreement, with a blonde vagina and boobs to boot.

remember that time, glenn dail, in glendale when those kids forever sick listening to the sick kids forever the sickest kids were shot down by the cops like piggish dogs?

they broke the lamp store and danced together in a convoluted chaos

but it was rehearsed as the hundred hearses rolled on in to pick up their bodies

three days they danced like david before his king, on glass of lit lamps.

i remember they all had their bibles with the tear, those terrible pages torn.

yes i remember that too. those 7 men had altered the bibles of every internet program, altering the words of one page, so much that everyone

everyone of us..

believed their bibles misprinted and burned them buying new bibles that matched gods word online.

oh the scam, gideon was giddy as him and his thousand rolled on in the millions.

it was the day i had searched the entire house for a baby chick.

a baby chick?

yes i had heard the sound of a baby bird crying somewhere in the distance. i turned every rock over and found many keys and coins in my house that i had forgotten. but i discovered that it was a blockage of snot in my right nostril. it was the month i was so sick.

i remember that time, you missed the greatest party of our life time.

but i had discovered there was no chick hatched out of an egg. what did i first do the next morning? had eggs first.

is that what you think came first? the egg?

well we know that is impossible. unless that cock is less red than its head leads on. the egg belongs to the female. neither the chicken nor the egg came first, the cock came first, the rooster and the hipster will always come first.

ah you refer to the appeal of that winning little marsupial of poohs world?

yes, i am glad you recognized it my friend.

i see now, i see now that is why we all despise the old owl breaking his neck to peer around and prefer the furry peer you refer to.

yes the referee refers the little roo to fall off of the face of white face. but we would prefer that face to remain white

in a den hid from the world to just warmth. like the matrix babies. hidden.

blind to the light. the knowledge of darkness.

darkless in the darkness that little baby roo. on the side of that white underbelly of the earth’s pouch.

it is more of a pinkish tan. like a sunburn, crisp and fertile.

can’t the elderly be tanned though?

and can’t an egg be tan or white?

though our mind is colored white by some sort of past we have failed to grasp, though underneath we all know it is there.

the undertones of the underbelly.

and how close the underbelly is to the underworld.

we sound like grouches, with booboos and ouches about lil roos pouch.

pouches, it rhymes and is right. we are all in some sort of pouch.

yes, that is the axiom you refer to. as if the axis of evil had some axiom any less evil than ours.

that is the evil of the fruit my friend. clasp my hand in brotherhood for our belief that clasping hands refers to brotherhood.

ah yes how you highlight the black light revealing all of our little secret sexual desires on the sheets.

for we all have that axiom, the “I” in between the “ax” burying the hatchet and the “om” repeated by the river by the buddha.

and it is the “I” that must supplant themselves in some sort of axiom to flee the truth that

we are all in roos pouch?

no, that’s not what i refer to. for obviously they are the same thing.

yes but obviously that is all there is, that consciouness and the consciousness that comes with remaining unconscious to the consciousness.

well, i guess you are right but when you stretch it an expand it to include existence, you detract from my statement.

what is your statement then.

the fact that people would pay precious money for the “authorities” to explain away those sick kids dancing to the dissonance of chaos.

ah i like what you just did. for you have pointed out the pointlessness of the media trying to create some sort of reality that is navigable and satisfactory.

and that every movie we watch, is just 10 dollars of gratitude for making work that much more bearable without the tilt of a bottle.

but look what i can do. recall Ralph Waldo Ellison and Ralph Waldo Emerson, and their beautiful link.

who could not? it was the reason Ellison abstained from penning another novel despite his talent.

but that was probably more than that.

true the assassinations made a real ass out of his second attempt.

as did the tilt of the bottle.

but if anything, he made an ass of himself, outdoing himself in the first attempt.

and i will now make an ass out myself trying to make an ass out myself as Ellison did.

because you will fail?

because we will fail.

wont we all?

well tell me if i succeed: “But to hell with that, I though, I would remain and become a well-disciplined optimist, and help them to go merrily to hell. If i couldn’t help them to see the reality of our lives I would help them to ignore it until it exploded in their faces.”

i am guessing that is the latter?

that i mentioned or that god mentioned?

well, i guess they are the same in terms of what they meant to say. give the latter of gods mentioning the chance and he might of said something very similar.

perhaps, but listen to what the latter of whom i mentioned mentioned:  “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

I see your point, but what if everyone did this? would this be peace? or would this be the same chaos, just a louder one with the clanging of gongs?

yes, i guess you are right, there is a sort of arrogance to give yourself the task of peeking and speeching.

and by result of consequence, picking.

true, selection is in itself arrogance.

as i said, everything is. so what is your point?

my point is that if everyone confronted their chaos and grabbed energy from the diffusion, we would have no need for prophets. but instead, everyone must seek this world for profit and qualify themselves when the words of the prophets hear their ears.

and that is why we should bemoan the fact that the US government is near the bottom of the list for financial aid to the lowly artist community?

ah, but there are businessmen like ourselves in hollywood who will hear out the artist to an extent.

true, look at the success of pixar.

but obviously we lack something, look at the failure of Nate Reuss.

Ah yes, “im trying to find truth in words and rhymes and notes, in all the things i wish i wrote”

“i’m not a prophet but i’m here for profit”

“Na na na na
Now at least the birds are singing to me,
but what they’re trying to say,
I don’t know.”

oh yes, “(you’re beautiful)
I think they come from the cold
(for all your big mistakes)
I think they come from the cold
(you stayed the same)
to the city that don’t snow.”

talk about supplanting yourself in an axiom.

at least we are planted in some axiom that mox a i and you and everyone equally.

but is about as useful as a pool of jello. we all dream that we can swim in it. but it cripples us as it delights us.

doesnt everything though?

true, the pastor with ten girls after his nuts knows that well enough.

but not enuff.

i guess youre ally is right. you really is right.

you mean you’re right.

on your right.


if you got through all of that, i commend you for it was not engineered for communication or sense. it was just kinda a recording of my own experiments with imagery.

i have been thinking a lot about arrogance though. and how arrogant i am. here is the essentials.

i was crying, (not actually teary eyed but its a good word for it) about my sickness. cause im so sick of being sick. and i got hit bad so i have spent 3 days reading and im still sick. sleeping 11 hours a day and i hate it. i feel like the 11 disciples so disciplined while im really more siding with the 1 hour of sleep, judas. anyways,

i was crying, trying to explain my realism to one of my listening selves who knows that victim kyle is also right kyle, no matter how many righteous kills it concedes.

well i killed everyone this time. i explained my entire situation to the cough syrup therapist, even going back into family history justifying why i am in this state of mobility. cough syrup therapist was actually some beautiful female at a party nodding at every profundity and laughing at all my jokes.

the ending statement was: and so i’m just not sure if i am a genius or not, that is why i dont do the things i think i should.

as my sober self, kicked out of bed to sleep on the floor heard that, he clambered up into bed and slapped himself silly.

the next day i got nothing accomplished. it was an utter failure thatasisatathought appeared reminding me of the night with my mind the night before. perhaps this is all because you’re such an asshole

maybe it’s cause the song was on in my ipod or because it had some significance. Life and Death was playing and I realized i loved nothing.

that is th point of my little dilogue: love. though it’s never stated.

the lyrics were so relevant to me then. i felt like a little boy reading scripture again. but i wasn’t afraid this time, of hell. there was no hell. and the scriptures there, written by a fellow man, sung so well. well, wells of tears rolled on in my eyes with the little stream of ucla below me. and i swear the rock jutting out of the stream with its red reeds at the bottom, was in the shape of a heart.

oh arbitrary symbol, our simple arbiter of the sylvan arrogant old.

the puns of life are the greek fire that moses found and a king jr. proclaimed.

they are as holy as that fortune cookie fortune i found cooking in my pocket. there it lies, alive, alighting the lies that life is nothing. “get away from home awhile to restore your energies” it said as i walked out my dorm to drive to my house to rest because im so damn sick.

i guess la is my home now. “the city that don’t snow”

but still i have this problem of arrogance. i have no reason to love. but i guess that is the problem. no love has any reason but itself. it is that blank face looking into the jaws of death. only blank because it will only cry if those jaws of death are around their lover.

christianity was right about one thing, that we all will die and so anything like yourself is totally pointless.

now for the question? what do i love:

oh wait, i think this is more right.

now for the question: what do i love?

but no, that’s right

now for the ? what do i :

bahaha, i call on my friends and family (colon: paranthetical)

so we still have this problem of the castle builders. am i tainting my view of friends by assigning it making an ass out of ourselves?

maybe, but i still feel the need to inform in a distracting way without detracting from inspiration as Ellison put it.

and i still feel i will learn to love again. but i guess i am still an asshole for now for some reason. i wish someone would save me… (hint hint woman, you don’t have to be to hot, just mean something meaningful or something)

god im in LA!

In Uncategorized on 04/19/2011 at 12:55 PM

this here is about the film “Finding God in the City of Angels” that i watched in my religion class and these are my thoughts on it’s contents.

Some noteworthy notes i took during the film:

“Tupac is the sacred texts of the hip hop generation, our racial struggle is the sacred texts”,

“Originally called ‘Town village of our Queen, Lady of the Angels’, imperialist beginnings taken over by diversity”,

“The native americans close their eyes and see mountains ‘the land is our sacred texts’, their oneness with the earth contrasts what I see when I close my eyes, the inside of my eyelids: myself.”

“On skid row, you’re humiliated but you have to believe you aren’t there for nothing, god brought me there for a purpose.”

“the foolishness of my friends who claim they intend to try everything, imagine shooting up in your home: a tent on Los angeles street”

“fundamentalists are so convicted, yet in a sense they are late bloomers, began in 1908 at Biola.”

“one lady said god weeps, but just because you weep, does that mean god weeps?”

“mysticism seems to suggest the ambiguous concept of oneness with god, which doesn’t really say much except force one to take a step back from one’s understanding of oneself and to detach from our normal forces. but does not most religion do that? it’s not saying much.”

“i love the poetry of rumi, i drink rumi like gin. he is so old yet still speaks. it is all because of mewithoutyou that i discovered his poetry. and its a sufi sacred text, i never knew that”

“whirling is how they die to themselves. interesting how all of religion is morbid, as if death gives the joy some sort of legitimacy”

“take religious texts to seriously to take it literally, interesting conscious qualification of humans tendency to create doctrine that is responsive to environment instead of respecting the mysterious transcendence of the text. the different interpretations of the bible.”

“i’ve never heard of the hugging saint, but she seems gross to hug. which is probably just showing my own foolishness”

“i like hinduism because you could probably be a leader while being illiterate, while other religions view scholarism as an ideal.”

“baha’i is a good example of this, no ministers? just text, so easy to pervert that.”

“i wonder why mythology is just that, myth. while these other religions are just as mythical but still vibrant”

“why do religions find respect out of capitalizing their spiritual leader?”

“agape is a christian term of greek origin, interesting that it is it’s own religion now. christianity is very influential”

“the southern indian dancing is oddly beautiful”

these are just notes i found to be insightful besides the drone of fact-recording. I believe, this was actually the purpose of the film. following the viewing, most of the people in my class complained that it lacked any depth or substance. however, i do not believe the purpose was informative but contemplative. each religion was given a very superficial look except for the judeo-christian sects. christianity especially was extensively surveyed compared to the few minutes of glossing over hare krishna, jains, sikhs, etc.

for one, i believe the filmmakers knew their audience already knew the basic outline of christianity and that it is the majority religion with many more thriving sects than the other religions. however, i believe the filmmakers were not attempting to make a piece that may be showed on history channel. instead, the piece may be much more appropriate for MTV perhaps as the work was contemplative. the segments of odd metallic music or monk’s chanting made the tone of the piece meditative so that we were inspired to wonder about the religion more and not assume that the religions all exist on a unified front.

the film did not report statistics or attempt to divide LA up into distinct segments of religions to suggest the fluidity of followers. one man who had converted from presbyterian to hare krishna was focused on because his account was definitive of the film. hare krishna seemed at first to be some weirdo cult, but he discovered it was perfect for his lifestyle and more fulfilling than the hard pews of his old church. the film revealed not only that religion is often cultural, but in the melting pot of a city like Los Angeles, these borders are broken down and religions mixed by the interaction of different people.

in that way, it literally was about the act of “Finding God”, and not “Reporting Religion” in Los Angeles. it physically displayed peoples attempts at finding god in their interaction and attitudes toward their ceremonies and sacred texts. the film required the viewer to interact with the religion and encounter it, instead of know the facts of the religion. i feel in conversation concerning the religion, the individual with a broader base of knowledge concerning other religions may be seen as having a broader understanding. as a result, the viewers in my class were dissatisfied with the failure to analyze the relgions, for they did not seek to understand religion, but to know religion.

the filmmakers definitely knew the religion. they knew the contours of these religions well enough to highlight the important aspects of their culture. instead of presenting the minute differences, they provided the broad unifications that ran deep in each religion. this is also evident in their choice to ignore scientology perhaps viewing it as lacking the honest attempt at finding god that other religions displayed. Personally, having been a citizen more or less of LA for most of my life, definitely southern california for my lifespan, it piqued my interest and made me want to experience the wide variety of cultures that built up LA. Now, in my car i wonder who I am cussing at, perhaps i am cussing out the hugging saint, racing on her way to hug the world into happiness. or that man going in front of me is some homeless man who had found the light of god and was inhibited by his former drug addiction. or perhaps that slow biker is a jain just trying to dodge every bug on the ground.

my only complaint about the film was that did not describe how these religions affected los angeles and each other. that would have been a very insightful aspect of the film instead of presenting them as separate peaceful communities. Also, i believe coming from a fundamentalist background that expects a unified doctrine, it took a conscious effort to walk in the shoes of the follower of that religion. especially because my cynical view on religion as a cultural provision. I recall being taught that creativity cannot be planned; say anything, write anything, do anything and that is some form of creation. whether or not it is interesting or signficant can be determined. but with religion, i feel that the significance is a result of strength in numbers. the importance of religion is not how effectively approaches the problems of our existence but the fact that many people believe it. as a result, art and culture is closer to religion than is science or math. thus, raised in a largely godless society where actions are individualistic even within the religion, respect for tradition whithers and the only thing that is left is this half-assed calvinistic work-ethic that finds value in experimentation if there is profit involved. i find my spiritual substinence in rock-music with valuable lyrics and excellent instrumentation. yet, even i participate in the double-think that i accuse many religions of encouraging. i am not truly seeking self-profit though that may be a defining thought when faced with a fork in the road. in reality, i am making the religion of myself as i respond to my environment largely through the channels offered to me by institutions largely controlled by corporations.

my god is coke, mcdonalds, and facebook, with sacred texts being the classic books from “leaves of grass” to the bible to “harry potter” and the folklore of george washington and his cherry tree. this religion of cultural relativism is ironic because it diminishes the relevance of any religion for the sheer fact that it attempts to elevate itself apart from it’s culture by calling itself a religion. yet in my daily actions, i follow the religious prayer as i hope for the elevator to bring me safely and quickly so i can find the salvation in a degree and middle class job. the afterlife is my future, and thus when i contemplate my future, i am contemplating my afterlife. religions seem to concern themselves with the afterlife, but in reality, no one acts with direct ideas of the afterlife. if we regard the existence of a positive afterlife, we find that obtaining that to be directly linked to success on earth as your religion defines it.

religions would like to think the atheists and agnostics see no hope for the afterlife and therefore grab as much as they can on earth. however, how does that explain power hungry sultans, caliphates, kings, and popes? success is a human trait that we define for ourselves and when one enlists to a religion, that is the action of setting in stone their concept of the afterlife. doubts will possibly lead to uprooting and the changing of an afterlife. but existential questions of success and purpose are directly linked to our understanding of the afterlife and in that sense, the afterlife is hardly acknowledged by anyone in daily life. it is merely a concept that we assign as a reason for what we are doing.

the jain will respect all life because of his notion of reincarnation. the christian will sacrifice themselves so they may be called a servant of god in heaven. and the atheist will grab as much he can because he knows he will probably become dust pretty soon.

that is my other complaint with the film, it disregarded any attempt at considering the importance of atheism/agnosticism in it’s overview. this is my opinion, but as a result, left out the most important part of los angeles which is a modern culture with postmodern tendencies. in every one of these religions there is a certain aspect of atheism in the involvement of choice within the religion. the element of choice in society abolishes the pure cultural roots that religion had in a pre-modern society where your religion was determined from birth. religion was never about finding god, but respecting what others had found, or simply what was true. the concept of religion is only possible through choice. it is a section on the census, “what is your religion?” and “what is your race?”, but say perhaps in Persia if they took a census, the question would be “are you orthodox or muslim” with no question involving race.

that is the underlying “double think” to reuse orwells term, that modernism forces individuals into. certainly in the backwoods of mississippi someone may not actually engage in double think, but somewhere like Los Angeles, even the most devout Fundamentalist Christian still sees their religion as an individual choice. take the phenomena of televangelists. these people specifically and consciously address the issue of success and the afterlife and tie them both together in a comprehensive view that answers nearly everyone’s questions all the way down to what sort of food they should eat that pleases god and keeps them healthy. Christianity is popular because it was here first, but it has responded to the changes of modernity and created an entire culture that permeates every aspect of life with a doctrinal explanation for why a certain choice is correct.

this goal of success that is ingrained into christian culture but not into the christian bible is an example of how secularism has affected the religion which is largely a result of atheism. the film “finding god in los angeles” did not expand the definition of “god” to see how it is largely linked to success in our day and age and as a result it colored the film as superficial in that sense.

i acknowledge my own analyzation to be superficial and partially uninformed because i fail to fully grasp religion itself. i will clarify i do not hope for the death of religion as some atheists might. in fact, i have found myself metaphorically on my knees before god because of my own inability cope. but i do know that i believe against the view religions often take of themselves as relevant. religion is not relevant because of what it says, but because of how many people say it. quantity does not enforce the truth of something, though human nature sides with quantity.

if anything, i would claim to follow the religion of Daniel Tosh: when you walk down the street at night and you get nervous as you see a hooded black man walking towards you, that is not racism. that is merely your reaction to a cultural stereotype. in addition, the 2008 election is not remarkable because a black man is leader of the free world. no one cares that he is black. it is remarkable that no one said “John McCain is a racist” for running against a black man. and of course no one would expect anyone to say that because it is foolish. he is just trying to get his success. and that is the expectation nowadays, though people may still be racist and act on that. the general conception is that few people live for the support of stereotypes. daniel tosh and other comedians remind us that we stereotype people and it is not wrong as long as you do not act on an impulse, or even have an impulse to believe in the truth of the stereotype. people may be offended, but you are not offending them, they are just offended at the fact that the stereotype was brought up. it is the same thing as making a joke about the holocaust. injustice is not a joking matter, but it doesnt mean you can’t joke about it. we must learn to cope with reality instead of clinging to lines that divide us because these lines are the things that make the drawing of the world we live in today. which looks to be a lot like this

if you are offended, don’t assume that i am offending you. injustice is not as simple as you assume as is proved by the massive amounts of liturgy, litigation, and literature that deals with this issue of “finding god”, at least be grateful that you live in a world where you are allowed to “find god”.

sincerest apologies for the format: transference obscures original structure

In Uncategorized on 04/18/2011 at 12:31 AM

im thinkin about the idea. try to
identify that thing called idea. frank chimero was pretty close i guess. the
human brain makes alogical connections. how?

does something that computers are on the verge of,
multiple different formats.

do we think in?

of the senses.

really, the songs, the clips of songs, the memories of the songs, the images
during the song, but not even that. its not even like a spectrum but like some
haze that you find because it is you.
can you find certain ideas? because they are a part of you. they are why the
learned person may be more apt at connecting things than the factory worker.
their world is richer and more stacked. and experience is not just knowledge.

is why poetry is so important.

bright not shady. lil wayne. da fuck you mean? but you know exactly what that

dont know why i wrote this to myself in my phone:
colbert. god generation. elevated beyond humans”
guess because we can learn and create. take this for instance.

i wrote: “arabian nights. torture scene fails bc they are unable bc he is so
good at haggling and creepy prayers”

i think of this:
that reminds me of the kanye album i’m listening that starts off with this song
good morning, just as sayid started of hitting sawyer.

think people are overly excited by people who have plenty of cultural
references. it just means they are kinda nerdy. because it’s just how we think,
our experiences. those kinda people have merely let their guard down so their
mind is filled with all experience, instead of selecting only that which appeals
to their taste because they know that taste is controllable and they find profit
in knowing culture.

future of sustainability and such. i mean we already kinda have air taxes. we
pay for clean air in gov. crazy.

bag” after that i have the idea of creating a mini bag that is like a super bag.
ya know those dumb things they pass out at concerts or whatever. if you made
those a little more like actual back packs with zippers. sounds to me like the
flip vid compared to normal vid cams. then i thought of advertising. a baguette
maker likes it, grocery bagger likes it, condom factory guy likes it. haha.

wont need many mini bags.

i really want is a thought bag. its not really possible. but there is such as
reference and writing and such. i guess that’s the beauty of blogs and the
internet. it expands thinking. actually that is all i care about.

this irony where the only thing that is real is the universal connections we
have. where i dont hate anyone. but then the only thing that is real is that
thing that makes you unique.
with reality on both sides, i guess the center of those two is living the
the center is balance, right?

weird combination of our linear world and the spherical earth that we live

is all pretty simple.

have been calling me crazy recently. it doesn’t really phase me, the only thing
i am worried about is that this is all really real.
actually don’t give a shit about being crazy. i have accepted that people
dislike certain methods of mind, they are all to busy with sex and

will talk to anyone who will talk to me.

David Burkes Connections he mentioned that the only people who defied
conventions are criminals.

i am fascinated by things.

that time when you perceived your own perception and how beautiful it was. when
some vibration right in your face sounded off in the distance? you read the
shift of a speeding car? you see that little worm world on the top of your eye
while lying in the grass?

miracle. why is it miracle? because we try and make a world we can hold on to,
and when we are reminded we cannot make sense of it all, we have no choice but
to praise “miracle”

you can’t claim miracles for god. why not? not just because i say
because that miracle is beautiful by itself. god did not make it beautiful. sure
he may have made the world beautiful and called it a miracle. but that doesn’t
mean it is evidence of god. miracle is evidence of itself and reason for
thankfulness, despite the mystery of it all.

im happy with the mystery and im certain that i feel every time you sing to me
these songs you say life is like a song its a song a humble

just afraid im not right or something. that is my real fear.

know what i want now. i want to make positive movies. the good in reality so its
real good. and displaying the imagination it takes to make that.

had an idea for a movie. and its kinda based off of carter. if he started a
cult, i may join. just might. and when he dies in the end. i want you to feel
that pain of love. in between you can feel the pain of life. but the pain of
love, that is truly elevation.

considered for a time electrical engineering, i considered plenty of similar
surrounders. but i cant do that to myself. i cant pull the rug out from under my
feet just because i like the idea of hardwood. cause i’ll probably find that the
dirt and grime of the rug was much better than the splinters of

i have a low pain tolerance. and i cant dance.

there is this thing i want and i dont know what it is.

want to understand what retards see. more than anything that interests me. who
are they? what are they?

man? polymath? genius? maybe that is that undisclosed desire. i dont want the
middle class, though i value it to an extent, i want that assumption that i’m
allowed to be an ass to be confirmed.
dont wanna be mean or anything. just, have money to create that

the center of the world.

center of the world is whereever we say it is.

i say its my house.

giant globe that is regulated by lines. like our world. kinda like neverland, or

piece of this theme park will be themed, down to the goddam bush. and kublai
khan will sit atop this park with an answer to the reason for everything in the
park. down to the type of asphalt used. or why we didn’t use asphalt.

i will die with my favorite flower on my lips and someone else will take over
the family business of bs.

know i am not a genius or anything like that. but no one is truly deserving you
know. you know that. you can’t say i dont deserve mobility.

i learned something today on taylor swifts video. she had a freeness about her,
that i think some people might envy. but i don’t really care about posture. i am
talking about posterity here bitches.

like a freedom about me. like a kingdom, but freedom. yes i support anarchy. but
i also want some asshole on my ass at all times.

one at one time, except for me, i think, thought: “everything i am doing, is
building the name of taylor swift. every arm stroke is like i am just blowing on
the ink of her signature on people checkbooks and memories as they die on their

i’ll remember matthew thiessen for showing me that effort is

i’ll really thank chris martin for showing me that success is like fucking

sick of cool things, and what i like. all i know is that we are altogether
alone. so when you spend your money it should be on everybody else. because you
will die one day, and everyone around you will owe you more and more the more
and more you give them.

go of everything you cling to. because we are altogether alone.

the published product. its the inciting desire in people. its the combination of
the superficial of the popular with the truth of the populace. so they remember
that everyone else but them is a liar.

am not crushed by all of these madness.

dont give a fuck about what i like. remember when no one read this because it
was too long, didn’t mean anything of relevance, and was just a little
remember it when i do it.

it is.

is pretty good. but someday i will be living in a big ol city. or something
romantic like that.

why do my loins ebb and flow to the feelings of inspiration and the insecurity
of failure?

“its the warmth when youre next to me, its the white bright
light of the fever dream, its the storm in your eyes in the looks of the free,
the underestimated powers of the forces of the unseen.”

for all those that have loved me. that is actually the only reason. the
non-haters. it doesn’t matter that there is anything wrong with me. because i
have plenty of faults.

point is that my childhood, those times pissing in the street will not fade
away. “believe in the strength that will raise the dead”

other day, i was shaking and then i felt the wash of love that i knew my friends
and family had for me. it was all i really cared about really. reminded me of
that beautiful love dream.

know i am onto something. i know i break the cycle of the typical.

that mundame nun dame

but not least. i think that women deserve a certain focus of my mind. they are
underrepresented in media.

famous in my own mind and we are taught not to want to be famous. but i dont
care, i know that every human is worth it and i will put the spotlight on
everyone but myself in an attempt to let everyone spot the light in

the forces of the unseen are inside me.

Theism is anti-antitheism; my thesis: anti-the antithesis is the thesis.

In Uncategorized on 04/05/2011 at 9:19 PM

well i agree with that. that it’s a non-sequitur between [no god] – [no purpose]. certain religions may claim “god gave us purpose” DNE “god is source of purpose”

my problem is the simplicity of morality i guess.

you purport purpose to be something that actually exists.

but what does ‘meaning mean’?

you may explain your purpose and such, but in reality it’s just some idea that arches over and lightly touches on the nature of existence.

explanation. atheist may say purpose in life is whatever you make it.

well, that’s an observation: your life=whatever you do. [oh well no, it means that you choose your actions based on what you want] but that’s stupid. it’s just an observation.

well, lets look at christianity since that’s all that is here in this debate (that i really like btw, william lane craig is real smart [tho christopher hitchens kinda blows him outa the water])

to glorify god and enjoy his goodliness or whatever he said. well okay you say that you are supposed to do good. isn’t that what good is: the thing you are supposed to do? and enjoy his goodliness (combining godliness and goodness for shorthand, though it took longer to explain that..) haha that doesn’t mean anything either! to enjoy the good things in life, are those things that are enjoyable.

deconstruction: enjoy his goodliness must point to joy. well what is joy? remembering him amidst suffering, it doesn’t mean not to suffer or not to anguish. but it means not to curse god amidst it all. still love him. serve him. glorify him. [see above]

so that’s not saying much either. just live your life with the purpose of glorifying him.

true, religion gives you tasks, but is not life complex as the bible concedes and the body of christ needs eyes, ears and a dick? your ‘purpose’ means very little. for instance, that purpose could never accurately (in my opinion) explain blowing up an abortion clinic or starting a clinic to help pregnant women. those are all cultural responses

and that asshole christopher hitchens is one and the same, his “antitheism” is a nit picky version of atheism. atheists: normal. antitheists: angry. it doesn’t mean anything to say that religion is the largest source of hatred. no… that is reifying the religion itself.

religion is the largest justification for hatred. but has every act of hatred justified by religion agreed with the tenants itself? no, of course not. therefore, that hatred is merely irrational. no one who wants to kill someone based on religion doesn’t wanna kill them before the religion “prompted” them to do so.

sure maybe the dudes in the plane were kinda freaked out before they slammed headlong into a building. but they were never like, this is wrong, oh wait religion says it’s right so i wanna do it.

man likes to kill and hate. what can i say? i have nothing against people driving cars, unless i’m driving cars and they are in the way. if you removed all the religion? people may be less hating in a certain sense, but i think factions and fascists wouldn’t stop.

true, religion in some ways causes people to do stupid and crazy things. but so does tv, and alcohol you drunk christopher hitchens you.

you’re just as religious as them, because you hate them, and can’t understand that the enlightenment only existed after the fact, never during it. people weren’t like, i’m sick of this, REVELUTION!! Che revolted because of the human oppression, but there isn’t enough human oppression here with religion so man will not revolt as you expect them. if all religion did prompt full scale war then maybe you are right. but if religion also promotes love, is it not a contradiction to define religion as the source?

especially if man is the source of religion?

religion is not wrong, but nor is man.

to whoever reads this: you are not a believer of what you say you believe. why do you say what you believe? because someone asked you what you believe. but when it comes down to it, you are not a person who acts according to this purpose. you live in channels and act on a spectrum. you are a bumbling mess of existence, not simply matter and not servants of god.

if god is goodness then yes we should serve god. but there is this uncategorized portion of life that is not explained because it has no explanation. it is the random absurdity that cannot be explained by any purpose, or the beliefs that purpose it derives from.

all of these metaphors for life are stories you saw in forest gump. which ironically, is probably one of the best ones, even though it says nothing. “ya never know what you’re gonna get”? that’s only profound because of human arrogance and insecurity about the future.

antitheism isn’t a belief, it’s just a response.

purpose, belief, that isn’t belief in the sense that you are clinging to some objective truth or that you are committing yourself to something greater than yourself. it’s just a reminder “don’t fuck up”. nothing is novel, skills are outside the source of morality because they are the only non-obvious thing. notice how you can’t major in “life” or “morality”, because it’s obvious.

imagine if you were merely locked up inside a room and taught without interaction to think and study and such. i’ve dreamt such an idea is real. but just as wlc thinks that claiming the absurdity of infinity is a good way to prove god (terrible portion of cosmological argument). life then is merely concepts and that room is The Room outside of the universe understanding the universe.

it’s impossible bc the world you know is human. and humans like to do a lotta things. one of them is speculate, and astrophysics is speculation. it’s literally just looking around and taking guesses. but if the big bang is a fact: the big bang seems to me like it doesn’t prove or disprove anything. if anything, the big bang proves everything in a way where TRUTH is not something that convicts a victim or convicts a victim of the state (bahaha)

that conviction of the truth is disbelief suspended, not holding onto any belief. i have no religious belief. but i have belief in many other things about this life. and religious belief does the exact same thing, but with a religious touch to it (or atheism), it provides general beliefs about life that sustain us in our times of doubt.

i have plenty of disbelief suspended, but i don’t think religion makes any sense as absolute truth or that absolute truth makes any sense.

the way imagine for some reason looks like a peacock. it’s not cultural relativism because the truth of the religion or ridge or what ever it is will make sense based off a variety of influences all leading me to say that i am never “right”, or that i always have opinions/beliefs/understandings of them.

that ridge must be there. but it also must not be there. so it’s kinda there. everything is there, but not really.

the creator is kinda like this thing that exists because the universe had to come from something. i still think that everyone claiming to reject or accept or stay neutral about theism is kinda foolish because the arguments are convincing, but maybe it’s only cultural and i mean really, you could non-sequitur every claim it must be false or there is no way its real.

in the end, you’re still lying on your bed wishing you could sleep. in the end, you still gotta sleep and wake up and say yes or no. what does this stupid blog do for me?

the only thing it does for me is communicate with myself and help me understand myself and my hesitations and my balls. to me, this is my effort to be a poet because poetry is about affection without preaching. you can say your point but there are so many ways to communicate meaning besides linear sentences. this blog is just like that fortune cookie i just read: “a message from a distance is coming”.

yeah, it’s every time i remember those profound things i said in this blog and every time that i had to counter myself and my emotions in my head and let my emotions run rampant in my blood to write whatever i wrote. it’s telling me that you are a thinking human being, even if the conclusions aren’t publishable or even conclusive, that’s still conclusive. and it’s me talking to myself as they exist in my friends as relationships, if ya know what i mean.

how far am i from you? miles? a fb message? the muscles needed for a hug? the closeness of being likeminded, or on the other hand, the distance when we disagree? nothing when we are buried and become stratified? different humans? race? a categorization in the US census? a type of person?

are we the same because we are male but different because we’re not both irish? you are not unique, you exist and we may classify things but in reality you still exist and every single second wasn’t the second before. but that’s still a classification! are we really limited to these 4 dimensions? is dejavu like the 8th dimension or something? well of course it is. we can’t only exist on one single plane as religion might suggest, or anyone might suggest. what is a dimension anyways? it’s just our minds categorization. the fluidity of the universe is astounding. the fact that we were all some unknown matter/energy balled up together and birthed out of itself. but the classifactions and classifications are amazing too (another fortunate mispell). we are all the matter of neuron-stars that created carbon of immense heats. but what about dark matter? how can we be sure of anything when there exist mysteries like dark matter and miracles like love for an ugly child and mysteries like miracles? well all we do nowadays is cry the mysteries are terrible non-miracles. but the mysteries are the only thing i can “believe” in. the limits of the mind to only operate by chemistry as a non-spiritual portion of the brain and the magic of the mind to overpower the laws of the body.

how do we classify ourselves, by our differences, not our beliefs. how do we differentiate, our beliefs. and these beliefs are just differentiations between different beliefs. but the beliefs are all birthed out of the same humanity being human. so what do i have to believe but a [?]

not much i guess.

i will end with this song:

i am not staunch because im staunch or because i believe it’s good. it’s plenty of things that make that part of me. but a super hot drunk dtf chick, well she didn’t get this song. so i’ll offer my explanation.

Cynism and silliness are pretty similar. And when you think you’ve found someone who may match your tone, you may discover this is not true but only your own feelings getting played out and embodied in someone. Just because she isn’t highly intelligent, does that mean she has no ability to fulfill you? Well, only you can fulfill you when you have that expectation of love to be some sort of person on the same line as you. Hello? Snowflakes? We’re all on our own little islands that may or may not intersect. He is crying of his loneliness, and I do this on occasion too. I could make this song about a lot of people actually because it speaks to fulfillment on this modern outlook of life. This New Religion song sings my new religion pretty well. And this video is necessary to watch to understand it, along with at least 3 reads of the lyrics. Just my discovery. Nate Reuss is pretty intelligent btw. He mixes his life and everyone’s common commentary on culture with relationships and religion showing how these are aspects of ourselves and helping me see that love isn’t some sort of magical coincidence yet it is. It just wont be what you expect it to be.

Life’s a box of chocolates. And I am wasting life just as much as any of you are. Don’t be hatin religion Modest Mouse!

but yeah i probably shoulda fucked her. she was hot. haha oh well.

the stupid struggle against stupidity.

In Uncategorized on 04/03/2011 at 2:11 AM

it’s so ironic that i fall down just to get right back up again:

this blog is really definitive of me i guess. i said i didn’t know what it was about in the beginning and i still dont. but i am thinking about art more. i watched blues brothers tonight. 20 years ago that film was great.

so what makes something good ya know? is it possible to track the contours of cool? finding the spine and caressing the curves of that curved spine. finding what was pop about opera. i know the flappers kinda flopped when breasts flopped out.

2 in one, katy perry + throwback (+ flamingo with a nice view.)

i love the top half of her breasts.

well i think it doesn’t matter that much, because katy perry’s breasts are in the way and that’s just the reality of the situation, it’s really not that bad that we cant get past those breasts. if anything, her tits bein it are an opportunity,

the goods can deliver what’s good.

and seriously,  have you ever tried a new food because you honestly wanted to try it? trace that desire to experiment: it’s the basis for discovering meaning and beauty.

babies are always experimenting, we’re the most curious of creatures. then we lose that and we like what we like. that is why we are forced to be educated and cultured because we realize there is more than what there appears to be and that getting the fullness of life also means getting a life that is more full.

humanity is not about pleasure and survival, one can live in such a stupor, it’s not about intelligence. it’s about discovery though. “man’s meant to explore”

but what if we never did explore? that gerber baby would be huge rich.

im sick of being a stickler for having a stick up your butt.

i dont wanna sell anti money any more.

there is nothing wrong that we feel nothing when it’s all gone wrong.

it’s okay that we are never okay when it’s not okay.

when is it not okay? when we gotta stand at attention attending to those who are supposed to be attending to us.

so what am i gonna do?

nothin different. they are still stupid when they don’t get what is smart.

it’s not so easy to say that, cause it’s not so true. but i believe there is something to be had in great movies. it’s this great contradiction that certain films like

where this dude (the crazy long hair guy) who put millions of dollars into one of the worst films of all time. seriously, people have screenings of it all the time. and this dude had that up on a billboard for years. i saw it driving on highland and i thought it was legit. well it is legit in a way. haha i still have yet to burn my eyes with that trash.

or barton fink which took those asshole coen brothers 3 weeks to write. this film is loaded with irony that just goes to show, to know the history and production of the film elevates the film. film is a collaboration that is a response to many people’s desires, passions, insecurities and troubles. a lot like sex. so why not use sex in a film.

this movie is about a play wright (john turturro) who is commissioned by giant holly wood execs to write a b movie about wrestlers that is for some actor to star in. well this movie was written like a b movie for some actor to star in, but coen brothers just have that special ability ya know? the film is loaded with parody that i feel i will appreciate immensely more as i’m immersed into the movie industry.

i went to the zoo today and it was beautiful. i hope that chick doesn’t get the wrong idea. i just see a light in her that i kinda cling too. but not in some clingy way, or a way to lower her ceiling. she’s just a friend. haha and she strokes my ego 😉

and i was actually amazed. it really was magical to watch all these animals. what is a waste of time when you’re the coen brothers and can write barton fink in three weeks? it’s all about doing what is natural for you and what works.

those assholes are just lucky that what fit was uber natural. naturally born with major collaborators. so unfair. all of my twins are stuck inside my head.

seriously, i text myself on a regular basis. i actually really like it.

but those animals were amazing. this world is amazing and i have the opportunity to enjoy it like no one else does. as for now, i’m taking it lax and developing my demeanor. that’s a euphemism for relaxing. but i kept rushing into all of these pursuits as if i had to pursue a pursuit to get into it.

i don’t care about money. even if there is that dragon inside burning up the armor of my face in the audition room (most people have butterflies but my fear is scaly and soars) saying “you’re crazy, you are just like that wise guy wiseau who  made the room when you’re in the room, you’re just in a room in your head thinkin your fung shway is the fuckin way.

still, ima be

because the insides are nasty. they are better when they all collaborate to create something beautiful. like sex into a baby. or a movie. that’s what is so beautiful, so much of film is random, but this tendency to find meaning in things makes it great.

i better get some skills.

but for now may i please explain that song a little for myself?

it’s about honesty. wait i feel like i posted about this already haha.

i dunno, couldn’t find it recently: deal.

honesty. come and speak to me my friend. your friends will show you that maybe all those things you have locked up inside your head: what you thought you were saying isn’t what you really are. your thoughts seem to be thinkin otherwise. and i’m feeling your feelings are likewise. so take your broken pieces use them. you may think they hold you back. use them to protect yourself, they make you unique. and take the rest for living. you gotta live no matter what, otherwise you’re dead.

seeeeee they were given strength and their mistakes made them unique haha.

well, the song just inspires me a lot. as does tosh.

it’s ironic how i fall just to get back up again.

what is that but story? what is story but this stupid struggle. but at least its a struggle against stupidity.

you mean reincarnation and how we all die towards the great orgy in the sky? yeah fuck that. means i could marry my grandma.

and its stupid because we are all saying how stupid it is to think of anything that doesn’t pertain to thinking stupid things are stupid even though it is still stupid to do that.

im talkin about how pointless thinkin about death is because we’re gonna die. especially if you think not thinkin about death is stupid. maybe they thought about death and thought it may be best stopping morbid thoughts.

so it takes balance? fuck that, what the fuck does balance mean?



i love when that lady on facebook said how she didn’t like it because it was gross when they said “worms”. oh man… i proceeded to insert my understanding into her dumb ass.

she still thought it was gross, but she liked the picture of the sunset (not in this version cause this one has lyrics).

so i guess that sunset is katy perry’s breasts and you kinda need that to do anything about anything cause people are stupid.

no point in catering to all those other artists who already agree. might as well go into catering. cause it sure wont pay.

why wont it pay?

probably cause it’s worth very little.

ask jay-z

b bright, not right.

In Uncategorized on 03/29/2011 at 12:01 AM

id say fire is a pretty good way to describe the future. i mean.. yeah because consider your future, its a mystery. and fire has so many freaking metaphors. its definitely one of the best metaphors for mankind and stuff. i like thinking about mankind and stuff and having profound thoughts about human nature. its really useful. haha i sit there being a genius. that’s all i am. just a genius knowin everything about mankind and stuff.

i left my friends that night thinking “i gotta make this famous. i gotta make this big.”

i watched a documentary “this film is not yet rated”, thinkin i could do that. i could control all that junk.

eh, not really. i stared at these white lines toward the end of my day. eff that.

9 am: awaken – class, class, audition, audition, audition, 3 hour lecture.. ugh…

but it was actually great. a great day. my worst grade last quarter? easiest class. so yeah that’s just how i am. punch me. i really do like it.


oh.. but i do love their iced coffee. seriously, vanilla iced coffee is great.

here were these white lines:

something like that at least. i stared at them and they were so bright and blurry. that’s my future i said: my future is blurry. but i feel like it is bright too.

didn’t mean to basically copy cloudcult: but seriously. i wrote a like 8page long poem about trees and the earth and sustainability, wtf? while sitting in a tree. this was after my last final. it was kinda cool. i’ll post it on fiberfibber.


but seriously:

today i really feel like i gave myself to the fire. i met people, was friendly and was happy. but if it’s all just chemicals colliding, is it really living? i learned this week that you can make pissin an optical illusion with the right chemicals. its hard to tell whats right from wrong and what’s fully alive. yet, we live on seeing through light sensitive eyes, a life not as sensible as those dark sensations we somehow sense in our brain.

how can craig minowa’s voice be heard in my brain? how can i think?

the future is bright somehow.

i mean i write poetry about taking shits. more than i should haha. and those are my least shitty poems i’d say.

fire can’t burn without being blurry. how can fire be definite? and can you really track everything? sure you could find out the atmosphericonditions or something.. like the gases, temp, substance burnin, all that jazz.

it’s so hard to take every part apart and be right. the apartheid of parts.

purity is a pure lie.

idealogy is just that, an idea.

idealogies are all about being right and are all wrong. and sure being pro-anti-idealogy idealogy is silly, but stilling.

it reminds you that fortune cookie may have more truth than you suspected and that that hymn is more about the catchy hum than the Him your singing too…

i saw some lady looking thru the trash and remembered my burrito i never finished because i got pissed off not knowing the origin of the words embedded in the title: “del combo”. and it was gross.

so i put the bag on a trash can. on cue, i watched the blonde bombshell of 60 reach her torn tanned hands to find a beef burrito.


lets, turn that frown upside down!

because think about it…

“you don’t have to cry for justin bieber,” “yeah ya do, sometimes..”

is there ever a reason we cry or freak out over this crafty warring world?

i mean some people.. it’s just a problem:

seriously i love 3:20 because it perfectly captures what i mean:

“i have to live in this hell hole”, that scene.

what do you mean? that house is great! there is no objective reason for any emotion.

but him and shirlene. probably don’t have a great life. i saw the plight of blind people in a documentary called “blindsight”, i mean dude, how could you ever cry about justin bieber when people are beat up in public because they are blind?

but there is good things in everything and bad things in everything: after all, it’s everything.

and the rigidity of some peoples life, it scares me, work seems like rigor mortis to my spoiled ass.


i recognize that my thoughts don’t often transfer, i dunno why it makes sense. words are one of the only ways i can express what’s going on in my head. but then i drive by usc and the hot girls putup their asses on those cruisers and i could give a shit about fame or anything like that. or when i met that one dude in an audition makin jokes like me and watchin how the dude next to him reacted. i could see the apathy of normal social paths this guy had.

damn he was annoying… kinda like me over spring break.

it’s just that i dont know what to do, and i think i wanna do something with my word, but i think that i think my thoughts are so important and i think that thinking my thoughts are important is a bad thing to think because think about it…

are your thoughts really creation? no, not really. they can transfer into something substantial but as of now they are just thoughts really. and i devote a significant amount of time to them. but i love my random little thoughts. like a painting with a top hat on the floor. or an art project that uses the heap of trashed ads that builds up at dumps. or a book that has all the stunts that people pull in a courtroom, like the hated larry flynt haha go to 1:05 “coagulated” so many great lines in this…. (watch that film Larry Flynt V. America)

these were just some of the things i wrote down today. 3 of the like 28. they are like alike: thoughts i like.

but i have so many stupid ideas. like thinking about my ideas and stuff. i think it’s funny that circa survive sounds so intense, yet they talk about nothing almost. or that third eye blind sounds so normal but they are talking about lifes big questions.

and i love when this happens:

it’s beautiful.

but then i get to the end of a train and i feel the wind blowing… it scares the hell out of me, cause the end is all i can see. so i run, i jump off something. i conquer a ledge and my heart abounds for the leaps and bounds and for the phenomona of the leap year and everything else that you forget about and are suddenly delighted to have remembered it.

i’m just running away from that blowing wind, jacking off my endolphins swimming through the world of my mind. that is just how i think of it…

or when i see myself doing what im doing and think, oh that’s too much like that. well then what am i? oh shit identity crisis while having a conversation. i love being with my friends because i can sprawl my pride out on the floor and let him shrink into a fetal position and burst out. and i can put that pig hat on in my car when i am being a pig and deflate my large head. and they wont care, they’ll still love me.

and i love them because we all love each other.

that’s another thing, i have settled down and have a new outlook on things.

“come and speak to me my friend, forget the words that you think you were saying, cause your thoughts seem to be thinkin otherwise, cause your feelings seem to be feelin otherwise”

such therapy in honesty. if you don’t ever have to defend yourself to defend yourself, i don’t think you’ll ever understand that that confusion you feel isn’t a bad thing. people in some old time with their morals were kinda like us i’d say. but their life seems more set in stone than mine. and there is some joy in that manifest destiny that they had. but then we have ours too. whether its the old guard of morality or it’s the expanding the rights of minorities in america. we have our own manifest destinies that make us think everything. and then you start to wonder about that superficial layer…

is it really there? is it multifaceted? or is it… a salad, with components, untrackable components.

no lettuce today in the dining hall, so i accidentally made a happy celery salad.

“listening to all the people in this room on fire, i wanna be on fire do you wanna be on fire?”

crap… they are kickin me out.

little fires of desire in the tundra of our skin

In Uncategorized on 03/11/2011 at 11:04 PM

“i have been trying to determine the reason that people can legitimately enjoy certain forms of expression and media that provide a superficial amount of entertainment and enact no appreciation for life, as is the purpose of art.

when one watches “glee” for instance, this is not the fever of any artist affecting the audience. instead, it is a blend of sounds and visuals to represent commonly understood actions that intend to communicate drama, comedy, entertainment, and sexual appeal. this string of media tactics are formulaic and hardly diverting from simple understandings of how the media technology (in this case, television) will affect the audience. 

in order for one to enjoy such media, one must temporarily place one’s higher values on hold. there is little creativity in such media, for it relies on stereotypes and expectations that is comparable to racial slurs and bad comedians. in fact, much entertainment is held for this purpose: to remove any higher thought from one’s mind. the idea that this is relaxation is interesting.

in past times, relaxation has been synonymous with recreation. in this case, the television is considered recreation. in what way is the television recreation though? is it not destruction? in fact, is not all of relaxation destruction?

thus, it seems that thought dealing with enlightenment and purpose is not held high one’s list of values.

now, i feel myself winding down from the rampage. i can physically feel my energy decreasing as i realize the pointlessness of adding a tirade against the television and lower media. i might as well hold contempt for generic cereal while munching kashi.

tied to this defeat is the defeat i feel in life in everything. and suddenly a burst of energy will spur me as images of myself with mobility or skill buy my attention like patron. other times, future selfs displaying my potential as an independent identity who defeats the social norms of fear and loathing fly through my head like grey goose.

in both circumstances, getting drunk off dreams that only stick like elmers glue on a summer day leave me feeling invisible and runny afterward.

elementary little lights charging me with minimal energy my dear watson that differ just like the old fashioned differ from the new LED green stop lights.

damn those blondes walking by my eye, i try so hard, but they don’t care that i’m hard and trying hard if i’m trying hard to reason some rhyme from my future self.

problem is that my transistor radio won’t talk to my future self, or my future self must be dead. it’d be a good idea to do my essay or study for finals. but i can’t get myself to do it.

well, yeah i can. i just am pretty much done with a freakin easy essay. so who gives a rip.”

emailed that to myself while i was feeling pretty dead. who knew that music was so inspiring to me. well, i think i did. i’ve not listened to any music since sunday and it is painful.

also, it has brought my attention to the faded clips of songs that play themselves in my head. how does that happen?

how does inspiration grab you by the neck and twist you around. the aftertaste of love is painful. coming down from the cloud. goddamit the view is beautiful though.

i wanna be a director. i want it for the glory. i want it for the distinction. but most of all, i want it because i don’t know what else to want. and it’s the only thing that i feel i could understand. not necessarily even excel at it.

but i’m standing with my feet at the welcome mat. except the welcome mat is this giant red carpet. and what people don’t get is that the red carpet is not the point. the few will leave the house and then walk back into the red carpet. but the red carpet is just a welcome mat where people can gather round and spectate at this castle. the castle is just a backdrop though. the castle, palace, chinese theater. whatever, it’s just this painted backdrop that we all made because no one else has any creativity to really understand. behind the backdrop is little more than a table with a cup of tea.

and that’s what you people don’t fuckin get. creation and art is not some elaborate scheme. place a rando pic among 5 great images and you’ll come up with some meaning about it. all the technique and skill behind art is just us trying to grab your attention because we want attention.

we have established ourselves as the mediators between the two sides of you. you will occasionally look up into the sky and wonder what’s up there. or you’ll play with the rolly polly on your finger and speculate how that got there. or see some man on the street holding a sign and then spout in your mind some phrase that we made up “i wonder what his story is”.

we are the heart controllers. we’ve all got our fuckin problems too. we have business and shit. we aren’t just prancing around taking pictures of our front yards. but we are honing our technique so we can capture some truth or mystery of ourselves and how it is in everyone else.

the framework is phrasing you can understand. i just saw dance, and i hardly understood the phrasing. however, i let myself become engulfed into their movements. i let myself wonder.

the good movies are seem seamless. and they will cut you open for a few minutes without you moving a muscle. don’t do a thing baby, ill make ya feel real good. that’s right, the good ones rape you.

comedy is common, so that’s why entertainment is easy.

but hearing that man explain what it is like to be a director of a dance company. i don’t understand a lot of things in this world.

like my future intentions. i don’t really know if i want to be a director. what does that even mean?

just looked over the post and the goddam comp logged me out. and i don’t even remember what i wrote. but i’ll write something else cause i have a different string dangling some ring from my brain down my tongue.

i just don’t understand if that larynx that descends as we age is random or not, ya know? i have no plan. i see no destiny, but i figure if i live it well then i can write out some memoir that will make my life into some epic story.

but i feel some sort of destiny and coherence. as if the throat is lowered down so that man could make speech and create movies like “the kings speech”. i’d love to make films like that, films about changed people that change people.

i don’t really care about all the glory or the fortune. i wanna get into the film industry and the film program and that track and become skilled and let that define me. it sounds so appealing.

but i know that my life will take a turn and i’ll find some sort of meaning in something else.

i’ll age into the middle class, get a large ass.

and sometimes ask myself, what went wrong?

well what went right? nothing went right. it just went by, oh so fast.

so seize the day blondos. fuck me.

no the cavaliers can suck it. i don’t care about that. i really don’t feel anything but emptiness after sexual encounter. it just leaves pulp in my cup, that fruit juice.

the swirling of paint and chemicals leaves a remarkable stain that makes me want to smile and shake everyone’s hands gently and firmly at the same time.

the little fires of desire in the tundra of our skin? i live for those moments now. i don’t even enjoy life so much as i do making fun of it. and running around. that is how i dance, parkour bitches.

honestly, i tried to do the whole charity thing. if it comes to that, i will use some sort of influence given to me by some magical hand to altruite. on the other hand, that hand has given me more back hand and shakes than a pat on the back or a hand shake.

thus, i must just contribute to justice occasionally and pursue myself most of the time.

and why does art hate religion?

problem is, my body is my only temple now. and it’s not always great conversation. but i guess if i beat my breast i may be able to milk it a bit and meet some people.

but still, i must do what i desire.

and in the end, i desire to be alone and learn and then respond accordingly. the mindlessness of interaction is a joy of human suffering that is a stimulant to my silly side. but my silly side is always stimulated.

oh thats what i said earlier!

“i wanna make a movie about beautiful women. oh that’s porn i guess… hm. i guess i’ll make porn. seems like a stimulating position… filming stimulating positions.



i am technologiless. phone from 8th grade and my mac from 8th grade.

not even kidding. gotta toppled laptop on my table top and the smart phones really smart in the financial region of my buttocks.

i think all that money that’s dusting in my bank account may come in handy now.

the thing is that. i’m not as great as i thought i was. and i’m not as bad as i just thought i was. my view of myself has been a lot like the weather. so i’m looking forward to warmer seasons.

“For as a child leaves the womb and learns the cold”

seriously, la dispute is something i want to make. i have already decided, that i am planning on living with a low overhead. traveling and doing rando art with people.

guess what ima major in? Bus. Econ.

seriously, this world is about degrees. i will train myself in the arts just by being myself. the place i need some correctional institutions is in the financial and organizational.

i’m realistic about this whole art thing.

i need a mission statement. that’s my mission: figure out my mission statement.