Archive for January, 2011|Monthly archive page

off my rocker.

In Uncategorized on 01/27/2011 at 2:27 PM

last night, i was thrown off my rocker. but sometimes you need that sort of thing. or at least, that sort of thing can be beneficial. after all, it all gets all too boring if you just have the same driving beat, so we put a little funk in there and some jazz, maybe some rap or change the tempo. but no, i was taken out of the good ol american time-obsessed 4:4 and placed into some weirdo mars volta shit where no one knows the tempo. so i became some weirdo rocker, i waldoed myself to where i couldn’t find myself. can i find myself? well i dont know. last night was an exploration. not like some blogs that are just me trying to be profound. i still have harsh memories of what i typed. on that carpet floor like a rock on the bottom of the ocean but my mistakes are not on the ocean floor because they are not even mistakes. fluidity is a mistake because we are expected to be like a rock and how one rocks and finds perfection. rockers would know this best because the only rock they have is sex, drugs, themselves n roll (if they are rockers they themselves = rock). i showed last night that my desire to rock her (wow that is just stupid) is tied to my vanity, my ego, my desire to rock. yet i said that my desire to rock is a product to rock her. and so there is this strange web of complexities that the social sciences try to separate out. but it’s like trying to separate the rock from the stream. that stream being the constant dynamism of the human mind and the rock being all our habits and expectations that we run on. this morning i felt nothing but pain. guilt for my mistakes, fear for my day, confusion about my future, pain for this earth. generally, it was petty. i was not rockin it this morning. this morning, i was off my rocker. i missed thinking myself a writer where time was nothing. it was like this:

now i feel like time is everything for me:

the mind is really unpredictable. it is a beautiful thing. every mind is beautiful. not just his.

science may predict all of the rocks and social science may locate societies rocks and cracks and environmental science may say that rocks rock more than humans rock but the mind is not contained. neuroscience is so important because the mind is so hard to understand. thus we must muster our best. the mind is where mystery lies. nature never asks or tells why. we can only attempt to discern these things. Y is the ultimate unknown:

haha, poke power is yawn. that’s also life’s poke power: yawn. until we start askin why. and i seem to think that why is really a pointless question.

i have trouble reaching beyond my own experience and i feel that i must reach beyond my own experience to be right because i have to know some reason why.

this is why we explore: confusion. we don’t want confusion so we continue to search for new things. humboldt, considered one of the most important scientists ever went with bonplant to south america to catalogue hundreds of thousands of new species. humboldt spent all his wealth on discovering science. the other day, i tried eating a vegetarian dish. maybe i had respect for the earth or some shit i may feel better. it tasted like crap.

we push our limits to explore and it is exciting. it is how we grow and expand and increase our power. exploration is one result of confusion. we aren’t always afraid… but we do want security and maybe it is over the hill. we want some sort of knowledge, or house, or condom. something to keep us safe. this is just how it is:

i have never seen anybody die. i have never had sex. i have never had a child. i have not participated in many aspects of society, and i try to think outside myself but it is difficult to understand outside your own experience. perhaps certain experiences unify us, and hopefully my imagination can express those experiences. but who cares if we really get those. all i know is that i am off my rocker.

this morning when i woke up, i ditched class cause i am a bad ass and found peace by a stream and a tree. it was beautiful. this shirt i am wearing is oh so soft. it is wonderful. people drown. people must make  my shirt for cheap labor. these are the things that go thru my head all the time. it is as if happiness cannot be had. i cannot believe in religion and i cannot take shelter in an occupation and i cannot find comfort in my relationships. and what about politics and all of that. that is one reason i like writing, i am playing with consequence in a non-real realm and creating reality by using reality in a non-real place.

i just can’t understand that people can’t understand that people can’t be understood. but i guess that’s the nature of belief. how can you not see the world in the way that i see the world. why would you not do what i do? then my uniqueness wears down on me and i feel the pangs of now following the same beat as the radio. i don’t even understand how people look at music. how does no one think? analyze? perhaps communism fails because people are inherently different. i was just the same way as a christian, just an oddball thinking that there should be an “er” affix to fix up that phrase (odd-baller)

i read about the NBC new CEO today. i had some tinge in my loins to be Mr. Burke. First off, i’d have 30 rock memorabilia sold to every major art museum bc that show is genius. yet, there is so much that weighs me down. i mean holy shit, this guy is watchin an ad for street fighter right next to me. what a fagtard!

i lost my notepad and that depresses the hell out of me. bc i had some really important shit in there. i’m stupid for not gettin a smart phone like my parents offered. but i figured that it’d waste my time as most gadgets do. but in reality, haha, i waste my time. and habits are discoveries that enable us to defeat the hippityhop of our mind. so i want these habits.

my tries, the vies, and pathetic desires are ejaculations of my constant horny confusion of what happens after and why, we die and the magic fire of these orgasms in my brain.

i know what i should do.

….that guy next to me is still watching ultimate fighter previews.

i think this is funny: http://inkjot.wordpress.com/2011/01/17/the-trinoculars-offered-no-real-benefits/

i am just talking to myself at this point. i am really not off my rocker today, im just off. im off my rocker when i am profound. today i am just off.

proof that i try? i could provide it. i think i try pretty hard. i think that i am a pretty nice guy. i think that i wanna be good. probably because i have everything all taken care of for me. or maybe that is the stress, i don’t have everything taken care of for me and i want to be able to rise above the simple things, but they are so complicated.

but why do i feel like everyone is just getting fucked up? why do i hate this idea of fun so much? i do not hate enjoying yourself. but i do hate this idea of fun. as if you have to do something to enjoy yourself. i believe that i can just enjoy myself as it is. i still like movies, junk food, and all that jazz. but why are certain things fun, and other things not fun? i still laugh when i get in car accidents. and i get stressed out at other times. a lot of times. but i still have these moments of happiness that are completely separate from having fun. having fun is so forced and i do not think that you need to incite your passions with substance, sex, or surroundings to enjoy yourself.

but i guess that is why i am different. i guess that is why people like transformers 2.

we all have this thing called bambi thought. we do not think with only reason and only passion. we combine the two. this is how we get things like inspiration. it’s also the seed of sin. when i am horny, i think, oh yah i should go and talk to that girl. but i when i am angry, i think, oh i should go kick that guys ass. but it also gets us to do things like create facebook all because of a girl.

would a life where i merely accomplished, be better? where breaks were specifically purposed just so that i could work hard again. i would really like that. haha, at home i was an invalid. i could do nothing of substance i felt. yet i need people to keep encouraging me and keep me working hard. i dont think that anything special will happen while i am in college. i honestly do not think that i will be able to reach my full potential until i am out in the real world and living on my own. and i really do not believe i will find happiness until i have some sort of dream team. i still think that would be happiness. that image has been growing in my mind and i dont even think it is real.

a community of almost-me’s. but just different enough so that iron sharpened iron.

our light could only increase as we held our torches together.

Bright as lightning, loud as thunder,
We’ll move all the hurt aside to let love sustain our passions,
And move up and onward.

i know i repeat myself. but these are really the theme songs of my heart. and i want to create something that can stand as a monument to the goodness in this world without that morality of ideology and have it be built by friendship. not only is it practical to be able to be yourself and not have to explain yourself all the time, but it is also good because girls are turned on by a guy with friends. hahaha. pathetic.

basically, i am not content. i will not be content until i find something like that. because i cannot rely on myself.

power from the street light made the place dark
I know a few understand what I’m talkin about
It was love for the thing that made me wanna stay out
It was love for the thing that made me stay in the house
Spendin time, writin rhymes
Tryin to find words that describe the vibe
That’s inside the space
When you close yo’ eyes and screw yo’ face
Is this the pain of too much tenderness
To make me nod my head in reverence
Should I visit this place and remember it?
To build landmarks here as evidence
Night time, spirit shook my temperment
To write rhymes that portray this sentiment
We live the now for the promise of the infinite
We live the now for the promise of the inifinite
And we believe in the promise (love, love [repeated])
Yes yes y’all and we don’t stop because

I Must Cultivate the earth
Back straight backs, hard beats and hard work
I be the funky drummer to soften the hard earth
(Amin) Pray Allah keep my soul and heart clean
(Amin) Pray the same thing again for all my team

(Can you feel?) The raw deal, it’s all wheel-driven
Contemplate the essence of beats, rhymes and living
Speech in line wit the rhythm, designed wit the rhythm
Ears and eyes keepin good time wit the rhythm
I shine wit the rhythm

This go out to Fort Greene and on out to Queens
Uptown to Boogie Down, yo just look around
AND SHOOK UP THE WORLD!, like Ali in 6-3 (right)
I’m reachin the height that you said cannot be
I’m bringin the light but you said we can’t see
Saw the new day commin, and it look just like me
Some burst through the clouds, my photo ID
I bring light to your day and raise yo’ degree
The Universal Magnetic, you must respect it
From end to beginning, bright, true and livin
EVERY CHANGING, it was a state of magnificent
Building it now for the promise of the infinite

i guess for now i can only try and fail and learn from that. i have not fully found myself. i’m still waldoed. and along with feeling lost in a crowd i feel confined in a crowd. i know that i am more than this. i am different from the kid who just finally stopped watching ultimate fighter videos for 20 minutes. seriously.

if it sounds like i am saying that i am better, well maybe i am. if you think of a very tangible morality where inspiration and determination are better values than settling for the norm.

but it’s not better, it is just what i want and what i will not stand for.

yeah!!! lets go do it!!!

oh wait… it is scary.

oh look i just waisted 2 hours


“Egoism is an ism; GO EGO!” “leggo my ego! no eggo my ego. ergo, ego is a no go”

In Uncategorized on 01/27/2011 at 1:30 AM

translation of title: i went to a Logic meeting about Altruism vs. America. weird title. the dude, little Biddle, was a crusader for Ayn Rand. basically, she spells out the moral philosophy for libretarians, what she calls “objectivism”. she wrote some famous novels about her theory, and then a few more books that weren’t as good. so now angry conservatives turned off by all the subjectivism and hedonism that gets mixed in with their Lutheran version of Atheism pull the oldest trick in the book of making the university system to be a conspiracy. maybe it is true, but i don’t care, i want a degree.

Basically, it is the morality of self. what do you see? you see life. people trying to exist and live happily. living happily is also living selfishly. and living selfishly is not a bad thing. selfishness is good. why? bc it is how the world works. this is why we have rights. they are not god given, they are not inherent as the declaration of independence claims. rather, they are objective. people have certain rights because it is just the way that things are.

or something like that. so america is founded on rights.

while altruism is all about duty, bwaha. we have a duty to our common man and such. he cited a quote where marx summarized communism. turns out 42% of people believed it was in the constitution. ahaha. so again, another conservative explaining why it is legitimate to point out that our government is socialist.

he said it was bad because it is wrong. morally wrong. self – sacrifice is morally wrong. it was interesting. and altruism is all about this illogical thing of self sacrifice.

see both of the camps rely on rhetoric and words.

for instance, it is true that many reasons for altruism are logical fallacies. sounds like the alternative is pretty good then. if there is no logical reason for altruism, why should it infiltrate our government and dictate my money?

also for instance, egoism may sound logical. but it also gives us good reason not to help the handicapped, stupid, diseased, unless they give us money. doesn’t that sound a little bit like a toned down version of nazism?

in reality, it doesn’t make sense to live in self-sacrifice, but it also doesn’t make sense to live just for the self.

there has been a lot of “you should do this, because” going on lately. but the reality of the situation is that we have egos, and we have a conscience. we should deal with the problems of altruism. we should deal with the problems of egoism.

but we should not stick our heads in the sand and live a sheltered life.

we should deal with reality. life is real. life is real. life is real.

personally, i still have this feeling of absurdity and humor. they are all connected and they are what good art is all about.

i asked about art on facebook, one person said “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. sure! but art is not about beauty.

i mean really, we all know munches scream. beautiful eh?

anyways, i am really liking art a lot more now. i am liking life a lot more now. and i have been developing some of these

uneven abs. i can’t believe there were 17 buffer guys than him. that’s amazing. anyways. i bring up my uneven abs bc i have been having this deep gutteral feeling.

it happens when i listen to certain songs and im alone. it’s almost like a dry heave. or when i get sweet potato fries, my laugh is not just a cheap laugh. it is a laugh in the pit of my stomach. it’s probably just because i’ve been too many situps and i’ve been alone too much. i am very much alone. i can feel it.

maybe if i just, maybe if i just, maybe if i just…

i keep having those feelings. those ideas of doing something different. that there is a solution. a method. a technique?

rockin the raiders hat.

“I speak indiscreet cause talk is cheap”

so don’t sweat the technique? just live and let live? but i wanna do something. life is pain, i don’t wanna ignore the pain, i don’t wanna fear the pain. i don’t wanna try to isolate it and avoid it. it is there and i am there.

i wanna lift my hands toward the sun, show me warmth. baby wont you show me warmth again and even if the morning never comes, my hands are blessed to have touched the sun.

maybe what people have said is right.  secretly, all my actions are for god. i just wanna feel his warmth.

but that morning will not come. life is not a story. my hands are blessed to have touched the sun.

translation: no matter what you do to your mind, life still exists in the ways that it exists. idealogy is interesting but it doesn’t change reality. only you change reality (and yes, you can change your views and that will change you) but i keep feeling like there is this pain out there that i can solve.

or maybe it is an internal pain that i want to heal by building my own pride as a good person. am i a good person?

there is something i am trying to say, but i do not know what it is. and i am afraid of the future i am making for myself. i do want something hard. but do i really? i mean who really does.

i am sad in that hero way.

and i am sad in that lame human way where i still want her each and every day and if i am on facebook, i am looking at her pictures, and i am wondering why things are the way that they are.

sing it blind black men:

fine, i am a virgin but still, i am realizing what mark zuckerberg felt.

i would create an empire for you.

but in reality i am just a creep. that song is perfect for this.

hahahaa, in reality, this isn’t for goodness, this isn’t to save anybody. i feel that i should do good things. but also, i wanna get your attention. god, how pathetic….

well, i’ll do something. and when i die, i will say, hey look, i did something. now i can die. i let my blood pump for the good of humanity. and i am curious what death will be like.

why don’t i believe anymore? i didn’t choose something else. and that is the end of that, nothing else happened. that is the point. it is not a belief. you need to stop listening to people. no one is telling me this.

i just “run” i guess. i could learn it all. i could know it all. if i really wanted. i could understand, but in the end, people will still die. don’t think that you have to have the right frame of mind. the only right frame of mind is that of trying. if it is because you got an ego, like me then so be it.

this how i feel about idealogy and religion:

you can sit there and look profound but it doesn’t change the fact that you are talking to an empty room and that nothing is happening except for what you are doing. that is generally what praying was for me. just talkin to my inner ego.

no, you can’t define my ego. sorry, between mtv and mr. o’reilly i come to find that i cant be defined so i turn it off and convinced i would cross took on last look at the gold on the mountain top now now i believe in the sun it’s like a symphony but what it’s trying to say. i don’t know. i think it’s come for the cold. i think it’s come for the cold. to the city that don’t snow. oh come on. holy ghosts. when do you come out to play? cause if the lord is gonna find me. he better start lookin today. and we will rise with the river. we all float before we sink. we pray for satellites pray for courtesy pray that it climbs mountains to me. ill say goodbye to the canyon and i will set sail to the streets where i dont care to be forgiven. i wanna be forgotten. i dont care to be forgiven.

i didn’t receive a call from my family though. there isn’t any happy ending like that. god i am hopeless. why wont she call? and why do i want to change the world? oh my ego. i must get who i see is the best girl and go after what i see as the best goal.

why wont my roomates go to sleep?

i have this dream. my dream is to have a tight group of friends. these friends exist. but the only problem with my friends is we are disconnected. not only in location, but we are not on any united front. i dont want entourage. i really dont. i dont want the buried life. i dont want the sandlot. i dont want stand by me. i dont wanna be jesus either.

i dont wanna work hard alone. i have been and it is unrewarding. i wanna work hard with someone. and i feel like she would be someone who would do that. i dont know why but this is my only dream. that is my only real dream. i have found nothing that i can agree with and that i can connect with. i have connection with my friends and we have good personalities. but i feel we are inactive.

i want captain planet hahaha

because life is real. and i feel like she could be the power of heart. i can’t believe i am saying this. i hope that i can find something like that. i am not going to settle for suburbia.

good ‘ol white simi valley with a little bit of brown mixed in. the strata of the overlooking mountain “whiteface” is a perfect reflection of our town.

i dunno if this is real, but how about an electric storm volcano?

not scenic, not beautiful, but it’s energy. there’s so much energy in us.

go we go. no go ego.

understanding understanding is a misunderstood mountain of a man.

In Uncategorized on 01/23/2011 at 12:30 AM

this is in regards to myself:

good to hear what underoath was under oath for in the first place.

i feel i am staring truth in the face, and it is not there. so here i am on the wall of a mountain.

it feels lame to say this, but this is honestly my dream. i really enjoy expressing myself; i love to get lost in the world of film; i feel ba climbing hills and walls; i lose myself in a drum kit; i feel right when i am delivering comedy; late night talks are so inspiring, there should be a tv show about them; the distant stars, the warming sun, and the landscape with all it’s flowers and death; the amusing tug-o-war of spirituality; my father and mother; my friends; the other various passions in my life.

but there is a different chord in my heart.

the tug o war i described, it comes down to babies. imagine a confused child, it may cry, it may laugh, it may ponder, it may puke all over itself. either way that baby still makes a great dip with chips.

i think that confusion is one of the defining aspects in this world. “god-shaped hole” again comes to mind. but it’s not that, ya know? it’s not even a hole. i keep getting all of these explanations. it’s modernity, it’s an evolutionary aspect, it’s the effect of awareness, it’s your arrogance, it’s a desire to be loved, it’s confusion is what it is.

“We’re concentrating on falling apart.
We were contenders, we’re throwing the fight
But I just wanna believe, I just wanna believe,
I just wanna believe, in us.

Oh, we’re so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.” -brand new

“I feel the rage of a million niggaz locked inside a cage
At exactly which point do you start to realize
That life without knowledge is, death in disguise?
That’s why, Knowledge Of Self is like life after death
Apply it, to your life, let destiny manifest
Different day, same confusion, we’re gonna take this
hip-hop shit and keep it movin, shed a little light” -black star

talk about trauma. obviously, i am discounting so many things by simplifying the root of all evil to confusion. but i think that is a driving force for everybody, is that internal confusion.

when we finally grasp something, in the heat of the situation, in the shower, in reading a poem, in a conversation – it affects us in different ways, this new knowledge. for instance, i feel my understandings are worth of recording. for myself mainly. just to have them because it’s hard to put them into words sometimes.

however, i just had the delight of hearing wallace shawn’s amazing voice.

 a wall has shown itself by wallace shawn’s doing. and i am trying to scale it wallace, i really am.

the tickets for this show to ucla live are generally about 80 bucks a pop (fora pretty unpopular show i might add). the majority of the patrons were literature dicks, fancy sticks, and prissy pricks. i was just there because i need to for a college class. but during the q&a i asked him why he thinks that we, the people of average wealth should step down, why should the billionaires, millionaires and almost thaires give to the oppressed and relinquish our power?

he said that he thinks the justification is in the problem itself. so he didn’t really answer my question at all. dumb ass.

i asked why economic inequality should be lessened (he is assuming that inequality is bad but never explained why, so that is what i was getting at), but he said, because economic inequality is bad.

so he said nothing. dumb ass.

anyways, i knew it was there, it is economic inequality and how we live in paradise on the backs of others misery. my dad always explains reality as being necessity. someone has to make the socks, someone has to make the condoms, someone has to make the shields, someone has to make this world go around.

but does someone really NEED to make those? make the world go around what? your world. right… it’s all about your world and protection from cold fear and pain.

btw im talkin to a mirror.

but can it really change? i can change. however, the reigning nature of existence is that once it exists, it will not discontinue existing because it’s creation speaks of it’s necessity. in other worlds, you probably can’t change the world.

i guess you could simplify it down to communism vs capitalism. it’s not just that, but that is a part of it. and it is not the presidents responsiblity. get off that thinking that obama is in charge of changing the world. you’re a dumb ass if you honestly think that the president would, or even could.

we all would like to understand confusion, and the sensations associated with understanding. we all would like to understand understanding. but it is a misunderstood mountain, an insane cliff of confusion.

my dream is greater than any of the passions i listed in the beginning and i really do think of it all the time. too much. i wanna be that goat destined for hell, apart from all the believing sheep. scaling the wall to be like robin hood and shower the bottom of the mountain with cash.

imagine, like john lennon, but not really: imagine

a mountain of human nature is how success is had. they say the billionaires have us do their bidding, but no, they understand the bidding that humans will proceed with, and using luck, smarts and talent they get to the top by exploiting the bidding that every human is bid to do.

then it goes down from there. all of the classes inhabiting the surrounding areas with wealth corresponding to their altitude.

the mountain of earth is surrounded by plains which extend into the wasteland, populated by the third world.

no, the moon is not down, i know i reference christian songs but i don’t agree. the moon is not down. if anything the moon is high and people are good. but maybe those with defeat on their faces deserve some recognition. i hope i am not alone, but i feel alone. but i also feel i must be myself. there is beauty in the uniqueness of loneliness.

but the moon is not down, it’s not high. it is just earth’s moon. i think it’s beautiful because i am a human. and that’s all i really have to say about it. in reality, i don’t even think that the world is confusion. because confusion is just how i see it. as in, i am confused and i see confusion in many different forms. but so many people feel secure in their belief and understanding.

everythoughtathought of you. (every thing we see or touch we trust is true). 

i am looking for myself, but i am also looking for you. you, the destitute and poor that reside in the back of my mind. i meet you in shelters and on the street but i am still not sure if you exist. no, i know you exist outside my mind. but i am not sure if you exist in the sense that you are deserving of what i have. or if what i have is even all that great. do i deserve what you have hobo? do you have anything less than me? after all, death is not a problem: it’s a promise.

and recently, i have felt the blood rushing through my veins and arteries and capillaries and fingers and toes and dick. maybe not so much on that last one.

anyways, i have been travelling around, researching, meeting, greeting, finding out a lot about how to “help” and i still feel convicted that i should. sometimes, when walking alone at night back from my car, i have these dry sobs. as if i want to cry but i cannot. as if i know that i do not live in the real world, but can’t take myself out of the one i am living in and finally let the tears run down my face. maybe it is loneliness, maybe it is social justice, maybe i just need yoga and therapy, maybe i am afraid of the dark.

no not really, i don’t want to die, but i am not afraid of the dark.

what if i did scale that mountain? what if i found myself in a position of “influence” for a few short years. what would i do? i want it, i want to do something. i don’t like nationalism, patriotism, zealotry. i like conviction. but there is still the problem of this mountain of inequality.

because i never finished my allegory.

people fall off the mountain, and people climb the mountain. the heros are those who climb up the mountain, the fools are those who lost their footing and fells.

who climbs down though? if you’ve ever gone rock climbing, you find that getting down is much harder than scaling it. they invented a solution, it’s called a rope. you tie it to the top and then it’ll keep you from falling.

can you really go all the way down without losing your fitting without the rope? after all, i am a goat. i have no hatred and no love. not for a god, and not for not a god. maybe i can, join the peace corps. or something like that. something that’s really good.

when you climb a mountain, the view is great. but when you get to the top, or high up. you realize there isn’t much left up there. why else would rich, 40+, white males in america have the highest stat of suicides than any other group? they get caught in the chase but then finally see the sky.

down in the wasteland, people find a happy simple life. the mountain casts a big shadow, but there is nothing immoral about being a victim.

cant we just have communism? torches together, holding hands, all that stuff…

maybe that is the point. charity is only beautiful because of the pain, and the pain will never go away. i don’t wanna justify how i live, how we live. but i think that i am just a self-hating bastard, with slight anger at everything he sees.

i don’t think that this mountain can be moved.

if i were given power. i would use it right.

wouldn’t that be inspiring, if i were a goat who could scale all the way up the tall cliffs of insanity and then come right back down to the bottom? that is my dream. i don’t really care about integrity.

“you played the flute but no one was dancing, you played a sad song, a sad song such a sad song.” well i am dancing. and i am not dancing to a different drum, or to my drum. i am dancing to my heart beat. cause all of us have a heart beat.

im truthfull of it

In Uncategorized on 01/17/2011 at 12:43 AM

What’s my problem? i was obsessed with truth. check out this old blog post that i got rid of

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I’ve wanted to blog again for a while now. Probably because I just like to hear myself speak. [wow what a positive way to start], nonetheless, I will write things down.

“Time, whose tooth gnaws away everything else, is powerless against truth.” -TH Huxley

That refers to God, an immutable being. And it refers to Law, the standards God has set in motion. They’re like bones and the earth and dimensions are muscles and flesh around it.


For some reason, the night inspires these weirdo thoughts. Then when i’m in the hustle and bustle they hardly seem real or applicable. From 9 to 5 all my thoughts are so practical. Thinking about school, gossip, food, clothes, all that jazz. Things like Jesus, genocide and justice are these kinda hazy things i tuck in the back of my mind.

And slowly, time takes away all our opportunities. I guess time is the window of opportunity. 

Thats the theme of my thoughts. I hate the idea of Wasted Time.

Still, we gotta trudge on and wake up. Hahaha, can’t take a second to think because that would be Wasted Time.

Something tells me that I should adhere to the Truth as it appears to me because time has power over it. That tall tower that tells the world where to be has got too much power over me!

Is Christianity Truth? At times, its obvious. However, during the day, practical thoughts overwhelm me and it drifts into fog. Or maybe I drift into fog.

Ha! Or its cause I’m engaging in my own flesh: perhaps its because I’m fogging up my windows in the back of my car with a hot girl 😉 

So maybe I’m dwelling in the fog. I’ve experienced light, this ain’t it.

haha, i remember that night. i used to be obsessed with truth as if it actually mattered.

well guess what, time does not gnaw away at anything. that is stating that people begin as something who lose something. however, time helps us gain. sure, time may gnaw at certain ignorances. but it also nulls knowledge. time is a part of truth, and that truth is existence.

i think that people are their actions, and our actions are our thoughts, habits, and convictions. i explained it better earlier, but i don’t have time for anything like this because i have to live life. life is when you are active as far as i have discovered.

i have 2 pitfalls i want to conquer: bad habits and organization is the main one i am concerned with. second, i do not know how to connect to people. things only happen because people get together and do them, so i have to join like-minded people. they say you never know how long you got until you die.

was i dead before i was alive? i don’t know but i think that i am dead when i am not trying. when you are dead, you affect no one. you lay in the ground. as far as i am concerned, the same thing can happen when you’re alive. you can sit around and affect no one. so i am going to defy death and live.

overcommit, fall flat on my face, get up and do it again. you may say you’d rather die with smile lines then stress wrinkles, but at least i’ll die with an awareness and a smile, not just an ignorant, fat, lucky smile.

disraeli disillusioned me with disreality

In Uncategorized on 01/12/2011 at 12:31 AM

A University should be a place of light, of liberty, and of learning.
-Benjamin Disraeli

he was the pm of england in a time where england was around its peak. i love thinking about quotes and he has a lot of good quotes. his uniqueness is easy to remember becasuse d-israeli was jewish. he had an odd identity.

i like to think that i have an odd identiy, one that is better for some strange reason. the law of success mentioned how what really counts is the development of one’s personality and not necessarily one’s skills. obviously, one must have ability but… it’s like that quote says, the clothes don’t make the man, the woman makes the man clothes.

or something like that.

and see that’s what is funny. i can make some sexist comment – in that moment, am i sexist? no in reality i do not think gender determines worth. but in reality, some sensitive biotch hears that and thinks that in reality, i am a pig. with good reason. or what’s worse, i wonder if women are lesser than men then i wonder if i have sexist undertones that i push down just because people say it is wrong.

lotta self questioning going on in my head if you can’t tell. but it’s late and my roommates are going out to party tonight, so i’ll take this opportunity to work briefly and sleep – i’ll revisit this struggle in my head that i have had this weekend when my responsibilities are not stinking up on my stinking upper lip.

i’m back on a tuesday. i didn’t feel like blogging this weekend because i was busy not thinkin too much. my classes profoundly affect my thoughts. but i agree with them, i do not hear them and then agree, i relate to them already.

it’s this strange thing where i want to live alone and i want to love everyone. i want to be the secretary general and i wanna be some crazy mofo who comments at the absurdity of this world. in no situation does the world change. again, i can’t help but love human consciousness. it delights and baffles me.

am i just the product of some irony? “In respect both of social and natural scientific knowledge, the reflexivity of modernity turns out to confound the expecations of Enlightenment though – although it is the very product of that thought.”-Giddens.  (from sociology.)

honestly, i honestly thought that progress was the greatest thing ever for a while. i still do. it lacks the luster of yesterday however. what is progress? is there really a “global society” in which one can reasonably take pride in? one may marvel at our technology, but the only one who cares about progress is people who enjoy it.

on the other hand, we could just live like li bai, the famous poet of ancient china who is one of the foundations of chinese culture. he abandoned the life of the official for Drinking Alone by Moonlight as a terrible farmer and reader who did not even care if he understood.


but if our aspirations are pointless, then are not our indulgences pointless? and are not aspirations greater than indulgences because of virtues like sacrifice and hope?

for some reason, i find some great joy in thinking like this. maybe i will be a philosophy major. i have this fear instilled that i will feel trapped when i am older. that i will fall into the grooves of middle class then find myself equally trapped. i love the story of Sergio Vieier de Mello that i am reading. while operating a head position in the UN, he received his post doctorate. in the same way, his father worked tirelessly to get into the government for his child, and Sergio took it to a whole new level.

if there is one cry from my heart, it is the desire to do good, hard work. all the knowledge and popularity doesn’t give me nothing. grammer either. i really like people and i like myself and i like my life. but i don’t feel satisfied. and i doubt that any amount of “work” will get me to satisfaction. maybe it’ll keep me busy.

yet, this job i find myself in is different from that which is appealing. sure, it is fun and easy. in fact, that is the point of acting, making money for doing very little.

there is no way that i can escape distractions and confusion. that is honestly my only trouble, is finding what to focus on and then staying focused. i am so easily distracted.

modernity “is not only disturbing to philosophers but is existentially troubling for ordinary individuals.” -giddens

what makes me think that i can become a healthy, attractive, personable individual that people would pay to talk about their product on television?

eh, i know the answer but it takes too long to explain and i read somewhere that is bad for your complexion.