embarrassingname

Archive for December, 2010|Monthly archive page

east of even is odd

In Uncategorized on 12/27/2010 at 10:46 PM

play. then read.

i dont know what’s wrong with me right now. i feel the absurdity of the world crushing upon me.

no. that’s not right.

i function, like a machine – for the head of this ship. receive food and items and sound and light and in general, matter; but what does matter even matter? i never seem to do anything of substance because i feel so part of this substance. like there is nothing greater. orrrr…

no. that’s not right.

i feel james dean (cal) in east of eden. except he’s confirmed in the end. and i dunno if i’ll be confirmed in the end. i dunno. i mean, i guess i don’t really believe in all the ice, just beans and corn. but i like the ice, i benefit from the ice. so there ya go – inconsistency, contradiction. i may smash it to bits. but in reality, it’s just because i wanna see it go down the chutes. he was wondering whence. that was his real problem – he wasn’t distracted like his brother was by all the fun or correct things of this world. well i am.. i don’t real feel pain or anything. i just feel this overwhelming feeling of blah. straight up blah.

i know what it is. i haven’t been doing much. i’ve been inactive. without the energy of people or walking uphills or stress or deadlines or information or experiences or fear running through my veins and arteries i have grown lifeless. i know that i’ll be excited to go back. i am excited right now even. blah. wasn’t this my great realization? i am going to die, so just live and let live? like that of a child. oh wait, who said that? oh yeah, that was jesus… or paul mccartney. or his producers. or paul mccartney’s producers. hhaha

the love/hate relationship of words is the fact that we can have a relationship with them. in other words, they are things. and cannot describe emotions because emotions, are not things. they cannot be explained through words because emotions only run by a few laws, just like matter: (the only rule is that there is no rule, and general theory of relativity and quantum physics). in fact emotions, they are matter, they are the stuff of our own mind – of that space inside your face.

right now, i can pretty accurately describe how i feel. stories are better for describing emotion than a dictionary because stories are open to a certain extent. any action can have a number of emotions behind it, and that is the breadth and width of stories.

my hairgel is telling me that i have to be playful. just stick it in your hair and be playful. don’t fink too much.

the life of my mind seems to be in a war with the world. war of the worlds. mainly at the absurdity of how these worlds are one and the same. i long for peace, or a higher law that stands above this world. i think it is in my mind. but not only will this desire change and be thwarted by the advertising on a bag of cereal in a cereal box. it’s amazing how i can transform myself, how people can transform themselves. it’s like a giant contradiction.

i should just,

stop saying and thinking things like “i should just” or “we should just”

i should just stop those kinda thoughts. haha

yeah, contradiction, irony, coincidence – it’s my love. it is the world’s proof for coherence.

anyways, i should just make movies about that. about how people can contradict themselves so dang much and be so dang authentic. i don’t mean hypocrisy. i just mean how funny it is to see the adolescent who blogged so fervently in worship of god, now blogs so fervently in worship of himself.

i’m sure such a statement seems worrisome, but your worship changes from time to time. there is a time for worshipping god, there is a time for worshipping your friends, there is a time for worshipping your family, but in reality – all you are doing is worshipping yourself. we all know that there is no such thing as a selfless act. you can’t get away from your self, any transaction, or just action includes yourself in the process.

and it’s not a baaaad thing. baaaaa, is that the bleat of a goat or a sheep? it’s important because sheeps go to heaven and goats go to hell. sorry bro, if you really listen – it’s impossible to tell the difference. im a llama anyways. llama llama duck.

i think i like that idea. i’ve been trying to wrap my brain around being something like an actor or director or whatever but i can’t get there to that point where i view myself like anything. and it’s stupid. i know that life is give and take, i can’t just do what i want. but i could see myself doing that. someone very close to me said merely: “you baffle me”. i have been wondering about that statement. she said my thinking just baffles her. i could really relate to what she said.

i’d like to think that it’s simply because i am really in touch with the way things are and even though my actions do not perfectly represent what my mind is dwelling upon, at least my thoughts give some insights in to all my sights.

is life really absurd? i guess that is a nice broad stroke we can describe life with. i like that idea. life is absurd. but it helps no one.

I’ve been spending way too long checkin my tongue in the mirror and bendin over backwards just to try and see it clearer but my breath fogged up the glass, so i drew a new face and laughed. i guess what i’ve been trying to say is that there aint no better reason, to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the season, it’s what we aim to do. our name is our virtue but i can’t hesitate no more no more it cannot wait, i’m sure, there’s no need to complicate, our time, is short, it cannot wait, i’m yours.

wait what, whose am i? i’m mine. bahaha i love talking to myself.

so this is christmas, what have you done?

In Uncategorized on 12/25/2010 at 2:36 AM

time to rant:

tradition and habit are different. tradition is communal and habit is individual. yet, habits form traditions.

the taste on my mouth is like that of eating sweetener. if you haven’t experienced it, you really gotta man… it’s a new experience! be open to all substances. sorry to all of my friends i offended who think that experiencing new drugs is experiencing the world. my god, then why don’t you eat shit? that’s definitely unique. oh, sorry my hopes were just coloring my suggestion because i hope all you rich drug addicts do eat shit.

back to the taste of sweetener. i think this might explain it pretty well.

so i got these sweet presents this christmas. and man, i bloated myself on all these sweets. and all of my friends were really sweet. and all the decorations were really sweet. so on and so forth.

before you write me off as a scrooge; please realize that i am saying bah humbug to something else. i believe that christmas is correct, but when i look at my life i feel nasty. because i feel like every day is so sweet, at the expense of others. i am referencing the imbalance in the world. i heard something called the prebirth lottery ticket. i don’t believe in absolute equality, but i do believe in widespread opportunity. equal opportunity is impossible, that is just stupid. i don’t want my kids to have the equal opportunity as yours. however, i also do not want my kids to have absolute security. yes, i said it. and i know it’s not how i may feel when my potential wife pops them out, but i am detached now and i recognize there are greater things than myself and that if i were an 18 year old who has been screwed since day 1, i would sure appreciate it if he would level the playing field a little bit.

i feel that many of the adults around me are too ignorant to recognize that they are sitting on this high chair or they have distracted themselves with hobbies, religion, and other forms of suburban lifestyle to forget the fact they either do not deserve their power or earned their power because others had no choice.

honestly, it is sickening to me. none of this would be so disdainful if i were not a main participator. maybe painful is the right word. i have been trying to avoid eating delicious foods because i see that these are not real. i have always felt celebration to be empty. that is because my life has been one giant celebration. i have learned a lot from living this sheltered life, but i am ready to shed this sheltered life. and i am going to be honest, i hate much of the world around me. but it is so hard to hate such a fun, nice, polite, silly, and sweet world.

yes, i really do think it’d be better if my world was sweat, with some sweet. not sweet with some sweat. this is a little how i feel:

 

it’s so cliche to hate on christmas. i am not hating on christmas. continue the festivities. then stop them. haha, it’s a constant ring of festivities. and yes, of course i am ignoring the bitter root that most americans chew on. i am not hating on america. i am definitely hating on indulgence though and how connected america is to indulgence.

produce is good, junk food is bad. it seems intuitive. we wanna produce, not junk.

as for me, i wanna see some of the world. what have i done? not too much. i have complained a lot. i am embracing this complaint. it is my lifework: diminishing the importance of the prebirth lottery. of course i am on my high horse posing on top of a white ivory tower or something. but i have to. haha, i am an actor 😛

yeah, the whole social justice thing is cliche but that is okay. it really is my heart song. maybe i am afraid of failure. but i have merely whispered it. we’ll see. maybe i’ll make a new years resolution. those always go well. i thought it was funny that most fitness plans begin on january 2nd and end on march 17 – the day before my birthday. i love when random little numbers that create coherent concepts. it is so beautiful.

i really do wanna help and change the world for better. oh well too bad i cant

i can.

woohoo social justice christmas!

feed the world, let them know it’s christmastime.

politeis politics

In Uncategorized on 12/24/2010 at 2:12 AM

hit play – then read.

in my defense:

i have no bad feelings against anyone, unless you are a liar. i can understand being dishonest or stretching the truth, but if it matters then do not lie to my face.

i am not mean, i am just opinionated. everyone is opinionated but they just keep their judgements inside. at least i flesh them out and display my arrogance so that when i am wrong there is no hiding the truth and i am as dumb as i am.

you can be rude to me too, i don’t mind. just don’t be mean. be rude and brash all you want, but when it is obvious that you are stupid, concede and admit it. and don’t be afraid to call me out. i’ll call you out.

hard feelings are not the result of outside circumstances – they are a reflection of inner turmoil. people feel insecure about something, so if they take something the wrong way then game over. any misinterpretation, and you’re an asshole.

people are people, they aren’t jellybags. they are flesh, bone, brains, spirit; they can buck up and take the honest truth or live in denial. the truth is better.

being polite can also be taken the wrong way, anything can be taken the wrong way. i do not have to tread rice paper because of how something might sound.

on the other hand (the sick beat should commence here):

the asshole stinks, why be one?

every statement i just made was from the bottom of my thinking (fart, not heart) and they all capture an odious air of hypocrisy and pride. and that air is pungent with poopoo.

poop. i am a poop face. i must mull this poop around on the toilet [while i am pooping].

but it is so much fun to be rude! why is it fun? it’s like i am creating this world where i am the master. and if i am wrong, then i just apologize lightly and go on my way being a tyrant again where i see through everything. but i don’t see through everything, and even if i did, who cares? if i did see through everything, i would see through myself and i would see that i am just as scared as they are. i would like to think that i am better for some reason. there are a lot of reasons to think that i am better. but i keep thinking of the expanse – the blue sky. beauty dominates each of our hearts in the end. cynism and wit are not transcendence. i dunno if religiosites are right. pride kills us, but i can definitely see the logic behind it. the implications of pride being carried out is pain. and i am definitely enjoying the path of pride, but i’m walking on pins and needles.

and i don’t wanna do it to be a good person. or because god told me to. or for the 70 heavenly virgins, with all their heavenly stds.

it’s just something you gotta do, like the sunset or the sunrise.

i’m done with all this poop that brings me down.

hahaa, i wonder if i collect a general poll in direct conversation, will people be polite to me about being impolite? hmm…

polite is not politics you fool.

salvation is really epic fail.

In Uncategorized on 12/21/2010 at 5:17 AM

i do not believe in society and i do not disbelieve in society. society is this

death is scary. death is beautiful. death is nothing. death is everything. death is this

look at the picture at the top. does the song make you feel something? do those words, those strokings tell you something about truth?

http://ardas-hukamnama.blogspot.com/2010/05/attachment-to-sex-is-ocean-of-fire-and.html

i feel a slight fear, yet it sounds a bit silly at the same time.

sometimes i think that i have some clarity. for instance that first image, i see man’s creation. it expresses the futility in man’s attempts at life: a tower of babel. i don’t think god made it nonsense though. the tower of babel has been nonsense since the beginning of each electric impulse in the brain.

when i see that, i think of society. i think of that house as society, and constantly i see examples of mankind who creates society destroying society at the same time.

truly, there is no answer. there is no plateau. people spend their whole life searching, to be filled and emptied over and over again. my christian friend says that he is filled. i do not think he is a liar. he is filled, but eventually he will be empty. he feels pain just as i do. his religion solves certain pains with the sure replacement of other pains.

and what is emptiness, but pain?

so when he says he is filled. he is not wrong, he is just not truly looking at himself.

i think that there is nothing to do about death. there is no solution, only balms. i spoke of a plateau a second ago – that is important, that is very important in my opinion.

if you will, each man is climbing his own mountain. the blisters, bleeding, and boulders all create this longing for a surefire security. we may cling to our work and pain, then call ourselves addicts. we may close our eyes and sing hymns. we may marvel at the view or enjoy the rain on our face. we may chuckle at the staggering drop. all of these, and whatever else the metaphor allows for are all hopes for a plateau.

a place to stop, rest, breathe, relax, feel safe. and at times, we truly feel peaceful, only to wake up to the dreadful reality that we are on a dangerous mountain.

it doesn’t matter if your mountain is sandstone because you are poor or if your mountain is diamonds because you are daddy’s little girl – you are going to drop off one day and fall to your death.

i am not really afraid, because i don’t see any plateau. my flesh still quivers with fear, but in reality i am focusing on my breath.

that house, those hymns – they are one and the same. they are all a result of a fear of death and that is the width and length and significance of life.

umm.

“There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up.” exodus 3:2

man still trudges on, because it will die. oh how i love contradictions.

my contradiction is this. i think the only thing one can actually do is learn from death and from others and from ourselves. i thing the only thing mankind can do is to continue.

i do not believe in science, afterall i do not believe in society. but it seems pretty obvious no one can be right about something we can’t be sure about.

you will just keep on your path:

you will continue to change:

you will keep trying to pause, or slow down, or hold on, or stop, collaborate and listen. speech is my hammer bang the world in to shape then let it fall. hugh!

i don’t think the point is that you let go, indefinitely because that is dying. i think the point is that you learn from others mistakes. and others mistakes is that they were trying to hold on to the time they were given. i stole that from william faulkner. in his book “the sound and the fury” he talked depicted a father giving his son a watch:

“…I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire…I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all of your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.”

you can build beautiful things. just because they die does not mean they do not matter. there is hope. but it can’t save you from anything because,

there is nothing to be saved from.

it’s like when i was a kid, we used to play tag and we would collapse our legs and brace our butts for the fall – then meditate for safety. sure, cross your legs into some position. but we knew that we would be tagged eventually, that was the fun of it. that is the fun of life, who can dodge death in the most creative way possible?

a pretty simple story

In Uncategorized on 12/19/2010 at 11:31 PM

if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around –

well, that is where the question begins for me.

does the tree exist outside your mind? is the tree just a tree? does the tree have a god-given purpose?

yes, the depths of my overthinking has no limits. but i never considered the comic-book implications until watching this video. after all, what if that tree was a man afterall (no not reincarnation).

people like tree man are very important, disabled people who do not possess the attributes that the average adult possess. the exceptions. the crazy people, the children, the senile, the stupid. these sort of people made me doubt christianity. now they invoke questions of the nature of truth.

that falling tree truly says a lot ya know?

i am just curious, can we deduce a spiritual realm? i would say that mankind exists, and god seems to exist, and you may say yes, god does exist and he proved himself in various forms or a specific form aka divine inspiration. then again, i say maybe, but probably not. is divine inspiration revealing the truth/part of the truth or does divine inspiration also include the mere observable existence of a spiritual realm.

in other words, can anyone receive divine inspiration or just those who claim it?

is the mere existence of a spiritual realm a message in of itself to everyone not to worry?

that would be nice.

goodbye!

what a way to say such a thing. i hope to have a good bye, followed by a hello.

either way, no matter what i hear, or enjoy – i am barely stirring up a breeze. i will only be alive if i think i am. no one can tell me whether or not i am living. could i not devote myself to proving the sheer beauty of humankind? weeeell. i guess i could. it’s all about reputation i guess. and that is the point, the fact that we can recognize ugliness and beauty in each other in ourselves: that is beauty.

i still have this overwhelming feeling that “i can”, and this itching feeling that “i should”

is that just the arrogance of adolescence and the remnants of religion still in my soul?

i sould my soul to follow my soul with these soles.

there are two worlds of the soul – the public and the private life as we learned in chinese literature (they were pretty smart, their poetry is very beautiful)

everyone longs for someone who knows your true self, the side you hide from others, the accepting friend. in the chinese tradition, there was the story of the man who stopped playing his harp when his friend died. because his friend was the only one who knew the tone.

we all long for someone who knows our tone. yet, we wish everyone to recognize our existence as if that speaks of our importance. it is of the utmost importance and ironically, it does nothing to stop the wind from blowing down our house on top of us.

i long for a soulmate and i fear that i do not have one. i fear i only have friends who know my tone at certain times. as if each life line is a series of vibrations. then we recognize that certain friends my get those vibrations (i’d call them good vibrations). yes vibration is the basis of sound, and thus tone. therefore that is an amazing analogy.

well, i guess i will not wait for a woman to know my tone but enjoy those who do for now. i can settle for an economic marriage that does not fit the beauty of a disney movie, (and yet i long for you as i long for a soul mate as if hearing the first single started the last time i will be truly single).

la dispute knows the tone 🙂

so it’s a pretty simple story, that no one knows the ending to. us, after all. after all we are self-obsessed. my own arrogance parallels mankinds own arrogance (i applaud the green people until i realize they only care about our children, theyare just farsighted)

what are my weaknesses, what are my abilities, and how does my interaction with these spell out my destiny? that is the question. i really am that self-obsessed.

honestly, i love that subtle post-modern art that only affects you when it strikes your brain. it is coherent and requires analysis. i don’t care about the mona lisa. her lips are closed.

my lips are open slightly, with a breath in of sodium, deoderant, and garbage and a breath out of awe.

ugh it is so quiet.

bayouteafull

In Uncategorized on 12/14/2010 at 8:07 PM

shut your eyes.

ask me a question: i’ll have an answer. maybe the answer is insightful. it’ll probably be ambiguous. surely it’ll be confident. perhaps i won’t have a coherent answer, a right answer, or an answer at all.

chances are… i will.

ask him a question, that guy in the corner: he will not be prepared to formulate a response on the spot.

ask her in the chair: she may smile and swoon or blow you off. she may even blow you. i guess it depends on who you are.

i guess a lot of life is pretty obvious. why do i love it so much sometimes? and why does it crush me at other times?

i listen to that song, or some other song structured well, played better and inspired beautifully. and my heart lifts up.

but i have to consider the contents of our beautiful earth. many do not consider it beautiful. 

shut your eyes.

is that the only thing we have in common? a darkness, a stillness, a death that will draw us in one day.

we're all just hot gas

if you know anything about the electro magnetic spectrum, then you understand there is much more to see in the universe that can be viewed solely with they eye. thankfully, we have our brains to act as the firm fingers of anne sullivan so that we are not reaching blindly.

yet, we are. i believe that we are reaching blindly so often.

i feel grateful to be thankful that we can reach, that we have the will to reach. that is what inspires me. that is my security blanket: humanity is beautiful.

surely, this is the outcome of my arrogance. i read a book about reading books. it said that active reading is the best reading and it includes judging every concept put forth by the author and analyzing it’s purpose, mode and result. then in conclusion to each quick thought, have your own claim to say about what the author said. this is intelligence, the ability to do this rapidly, coherently, comprehensively, and accurately. for every book, your mind should write a book in response.

so i read a book and write a book in response. i hear a statement and write a book in response. i see the universe, and i try to write a book in response.

but how do i justify my confidence in my claims concerning the universe legitimately?

how can i find beauty in things without deeming other things as possessing lesser beauty?

it may appear that i rely on the mind to find beauty in the world. surely certain things are magnetic and beautiful without words, thoughts, or even feelings. “it just is”.

i am the seeker: happy when life’s good and sad when it’s bad.

i am the dreamer: silly little dreamer with his head in his hands saying “Far out, – What a day, a year, a life it is!”

i am the greatest man that ever lived: i’ve got the answers to the tangled knot, i was born to give.

i really was. yet i know that i am not. i’m just a ball of hot gas in the universe that some people may take pictures of and observe. yet in order to come to any humble conclusion, one must assume arrogance and analyze the universe they inhabit, the world they inhabit, the nation, the society, the information, the media, the culture, the people, the food, the drinks, the bed: the mirror.

bahaha is it double think and contradiction? probably not. i’m probably just setting up numbers and apples into an equation and calling it logic.

but it’s true, in order to know anything, and to know things in an emotional, intellectual, sexual, and overall experiential sense, we must have self-importance. yet this self-importance may be ill-legitimate. or is it? oh this opens up a whole slew of questions about what makes someones opinion important and human rights and puh…

all i wanted to say, is that when i look at people in the crowd: i hear the song from the beginning.

shut your eyes.

*sigh*

“‘Move’ meant re-pose..”

In Uncategorized on 12/10/2010 at 3:41 AM

Walking from activity to activity, actively planning my future activities my happiness gets activated at thought of stopping at the top of the stairs, sleeping with fake winter break snow outside, settling down with what seems to be the woman of my dreams.

I would call these various forms of repose. Who knows if there is repose?

What is repose? I love the word. If i was a recording artist, I’d title it “Rose EP” and no one would understand – not even Aaron Weiss.

He planted this idea in my head a long time ago that Jesus was Real. His work captured the mystery of Christianity perfectly and spelled out it’s precepts with chilling lyrics. I would listen to mewithoutYou in “worship”



Aaron Weiss is not a prophet. As crazy and inspired as he may seem, a prophet is a thought. Just like repose is a thought. And just as Aaron Weiss or anyone else may conform themselves to any form in society, they will soon discover that they are not whatever they think they are.

All of society, law, religion, and any rule comes from the concept of repose. Repose occured to a caveman who was sick of using primitive tools to cook some sick fish. So he went next door and had a warm home-cooked meal. Then, he went on his melancholy way and wrote “Walden”. That’s right Thoreau, you transcend the confines of the woods and society by going back and forth. Quite a testament to hiking. (I’m just kidding, I actually admire Thoreau everytime I ignore you on the street.)

Anyways, repose is silence is law is peace is stillness is only in the mind. There is no such thing as “stopping” in the universe. A bacteria may die, but only as it feeds something else. A star may go out into interstellar dust, but it’ll turn to a star again. Movement does characterize life, when one takes everything into account – everything is always in movement.

The only thing that ever continues and discontinues is our consciousness. The universe can’t just forget that it is the universe. It can’t cherish the past. It can’t even consider the past. There is no past. There is no future. Time is just another dimension upon which it moves.

Repose, is thus a belief upon which everybody operates and forgets that movement is absolutely inevitable. Never has anybody looked at an infant and said “superstar” nor has anyone looked at a 5 year old singer and said “child molester” nor looked at a plastic surgery junkie and said “genius”. Each of Jackson’s actions were actually reactions. [except for gay babies… that’s awkward *silence*]

This is where the theory of the soul resides, inside my heart, I know it exists. It is that stand alone catalyst that is possibly connected to some spiritual realm, whether the soul is “the breath of life”,  “knowledge of god (a portion of the infinite – which is infinite)”, “knit in the womb”, or whatever else – I do not know.

The soul exists btw: whoever thinks Buddhism is just constant movement (which is what I am saying) is wrong. Buddhism denies the self. Which I always thought was ironic, it’s probably the most lenient major world religion. It lets you not deny the self it’s many dumb desires.

I believe in the self very strongly. Maybe I’m just in denial and I believe in progress and Buddhism at the same time; thus, I am just trapped in believing certain entities. But Buddhism levels the playing field. I would say i level the playing field, but i level society’s playing field. Our playing field is much higher than the playing field of the universe or of lying tying beers. Oh my, i meant lions tigers and bears.

So when you’re actively walking and want to stop, it just means you want to get inside you’re mind. That is my home – my mind.

Yet, we are supposed to fulfill an image. Society is supposed to make sense and change is not supposed to be the only defining characteristic of the universe. We desire some sort of repose. So when that guy wears a skirt – he defies repose.
Obviously, this is taking it a bit out of context. Essentially, this is the essence of society though. It is also the shortcoming of society in the form of oppression. Sorry, but all asians should be doctors and engineers. Imagine if your parents actually required this?

How funny, that it takes repose to defy society and defying society is defying the existence of repose.

They tell you to ‘move’ with their glares and stares. They were taught that life fits this complex image, and anyone outside of this image is crazy  (haven’t you seen shutter island?) so they want you to re-pose into a different position: “‘move’ meant re-pose”. Stupid, i know. Non-permanance does equal non-existence. Everything is the context and precursor as well as the effect.

Paper Hanger by mewithoutYou really did begin the intellectual revolution of my mind. And honestly, the album “Catch for us the Foxes” always struck me as prolific. Especially prolific compared to the usual ingenuity of mewithoutYou’s lyrics.

I don’t know why, but i am now curious.

(and i know none of these make any sense. i am explaining the concept to myself. hopefully, it is slightly followable)

Quasar ?uestions

In Uncategorized on 12/06/2010 at 10:16 PM

Astronomers are scratching their cold heads and rubbing their neck from staring up into the sky late at night wondering about those objects shooting hot gas hundreds of thousands of light years at luminosities 10^39x luminosity of the sun.

Holy fuck, they can’t figure out supermassive black hole can create such a beautiful bright ejaculation. 

Certainly, the material and energy can’t be found.

Obviously, this efficiency in energy is possible only through the extreme accordance to law. Baryonic matter is baryonic matter because it observes observable laws.

Right now, my back is slouched, my ass is couched and my mind saying “ouch”.

Surely, I can shine as bright as this quasar – just as everyone else can. On the other hand, I don’t follow the paths i set for myself. I am certain that certain principles will ascertain my success, sir. Tainting certain success is how I for sure tantalize perfection in what i have ascertained with certainty.

That was nonsense.

I finally see it. I finally see it.
And I heard the captain say, I heard the captain say,
“You’re always close to it, so very close to it.”
There’s so much energy in us.

I just wonder where quasars gather all that hot gas and energy to propel out in such a spectacular spin. It looks a little like

hell fire fists

hell fire tits

 testicles, or iron fists of fury or something. Maybe less manly, it looks like burning eyes. I like that: eyes with a soul in the center, like that little dot on the top of a Indian’s foreign forehead.

Quasars invoke questions. It is inevitable to marvel at this marvelous marvel of the universe. This is actually a radio galaxy photo, but they are suspected to be powered by a quasar. They guy who initially found these quasi-stellar radio sources was a young student, Schmidt who everyone thought was a quack.

Certainly, i have so much energy in myself. Is it love? Is it adrenaline? Is it youth? Is it the night? Is it caffeine? Is it sex drive? Is it ambition? Is it inspiration? Is it love?

Well, let’s get those engines lit.

Try transparency? Truthfully, I am trapped

In Uncategorized on 12/03/2010 at 12:19 AM

Try transparency? Truthfully, I am trapped is the only word to describe my condition.

It is odd to hear myself in pain, I do not have a high pain tolerance because I do not need. I avoid danger pretty dang well.

I do not know how this is going to work and what is worse, I do not know if it will work. Fear is frightening.

The vanity of my activities is bleeding my nostrils. I am inescapable.

Some people are jealous of me. Freedom incites jealousy. People feel trapped.

However, I do not feel jealous of anyone. Yet, I feel more trapped than many.

Trapped, relative to myself, for I know, in my backpocket is absolute freedom.

w/o a.c.

my condition from my conditions;

this condition conditions the conditions

and the conditions further the condition.

the unconditional condition:

my heart has been conditioned unconditionally

to defy conditions and condition conditions

to being unconditional conditions.

I am in a state of conditional nonsense that resists the unconditional sense of my heart. Kingdom hearts…

Is it possible to be a good person? Can you hold yourself responsible for what others think of you? Here is the problem: Put in petty position, posture palls. Perturbed, petulance permeates pungently thereby painting your position a picture of personal plight.

But yo, I start to think, then i sink into the paper, like i was ink. When i’m writing i’m trapped in between the lines, I escape when i finish the rhyme.

I’m reachin for the height that you said cannot be
I’m bringin forth the light but you said we can’t see
Saw the new day commin, and it look just like me
Sun burst through the clouds, my photo ID

And i believe in the sun it’s like a symphony, what it’s trying to say – i don’t know. I think it’s come for the cold. I think it’s come for the cold. To the city that don’t snow. Los Angeles, when do you come out to play? Cause if the lord is going to find me…

Oh my god, i gave my best, but for three whole years to end like this. Well do you wanna fall apart? i can’t stop if you can’t start. do you wanna fall apart? Well, i can if you could try and fix what I’ve undone. cause i hate what i’ve become. you know me, and you think you do. You just can’t seem to see, i’ve been waiting all this time to be something i can’t define so let’s cause a scene: clap our hands, stomp our feet or something, yeah something, i’ve just gotta get myself over me. And i hate what i’ve become. ya know the night life is just not for me, cause all you really need are a few good friends, i don’t wanna go out and be on my own; ya know they’ve started something that i can’t stand, you go out for the city. well count me out. cause all this times been wasted on,

Everything i’ve done up until recently has been a different me. I am different now than i was three months ago. Yet, I am no different now than i was at the age of five. My pride is like a yamaka, barely noticeable but occasionally I’ll scratch my head pondering my own actions to discover this funny little hat that devotes worship to the Lord and Liberator: Kyle Dietz.
Interestingly, this is true. I am Lord, and only I can liberate myself from the confines of myself. I like this realization because it has so much me in it, I hate how i like this realization.

I am trapped in the sense that I know I am capable of so much and capable of so much more than others if I only apply myself. I know myself and I know I can do this.

I’ve got to be honest with her. She thinks that I am the fool, and I am but I know that she can actually help me. She matures me, she is not a network – she is a friend. This winter break must be a true break. I will spend a few days alone in meditation. This is activation.

It was love for the thing that made me wanna stay out
It was love for the thing that made me stay in the house
Spendin time, writin rhymes
Tryin to find words that describe the vibe
That’s inside the space
When you close yo’ eyes and screw yo’ face

Inside my mind, I see the only way at integrity is myself getting over me. If i can get over the wall of myself, upon myself i can stand and be taller than all those who serve only themselves. Pain is my bit, my feet are wit, towards the end where I sit, a fire – self-lit.

This is the only way I can smile on my death bed: by trying. Happiness is not comfortable.

Seriously, this is me. I am my own salvation, work can save you too.